It’s Official: Circumcision Is Good For You

It’s pretty astounding the number of things we as humans argue about. You’d think we could all agree on like the vast majority of shit, but no. Deep down, we are an argumentative, angry species who would much rather stab the next door neighbor than let him lecture us on how to correctly mow the lawn.

“I fucking know how to mow a goddamn lawn,” we scream, while plunging a serrated steak knife into his neck. “See. I can cut all sorts of shit rul good. ”


But back to arguing about stuff. We fight over whether racism exists, over whether vaccinating your kids causes debilitating mental diseases, over whether supply side economics was the dumbest monetary policy of the 20th century. (It clearly was and Reagan should be remembered as the economy-destroying monster he was.) (I’m kidding. Obviously, his tax cuts helped the tremendous economic growth of the 1990s.) (I also don’t know what supply side economics is.)

But here’s something I didn’t know: people fight over circumcision. Case in point, today the Center for Disease Control stated that circumcision was healthy. Seven years of studying the practice led them to that conclusion. Here’s what the CDC had to say, via ABC:

U.S. health officials on Tuesday released a draft of long-awaited federal guidelines on circumcision, saying medical evidence supports the procedure and health insurers should pay for it.

“The scientific evidence is clear that the benefits outweigh the risks,” added [the CDC’s Dr. Jonathan] Mermin, who oversees the agency’s programs on HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

They also said this.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines stop short of telling parents to have their newborn sons circumcised. That is a personal decision that may involve religious or cultural preferences, said Mermin.

Wow. That is about as reasonable and rational a stance a person can take. We’ve looked at the science and we believe it’s good for people. But you are free to make your own choices. You think the CDC would be praised for that, especially when you look at the benefits listed.

In the new guidelines, the CDC says there is now strong evidence that male circumcision can:

Cut a man’s risk of getting HIV from an infected female partner by 50 to 60 percent.

Reduce their risk of genital herpes and certain strains of human papillomavirus by 30 percent or more.

Lower the risk of urinary tract infections during infancy, and cancer of the penis in adulthood.

WORD. LESS DICK CANCER. Isn’t everyone in favor of less dick cancer? NOOO.

The guidelines “are part of a long historical American cultural and medical bias to attempt to defend this traumatic genital surgery,” said, Ronald Goldman, executive director of the Circumcision Resource Center.

Uhhh. Okay? You don’t have to chop off anyone’s dick you don’t want to, dude. You get that, right? And as painful as it sounds, ask any dude who has had it done. You don’t remember. Plus, no more weird dick flap and cancer. Win, win, win.

Until you realize humans just like to fight about stuff. I will enjoy this debate raging on for the next 30 years. Even though it has been proven: Circumcision is good.