Columnist Pens The Horniest Paean To The Jizzworthy Idea Of President Marco Rubio Defeating ISIS

by 3 years ago
marco-rubio

CHRISTOPHER HALLORAN — SHutterstock

If you’re anything like one of those normal, generally decent human beings, you probably find the actions of ISIS to be morally reprehensible. You’d certainly like for the leaders of it to be brought to justice, tried in courts and sentenced for their crimes.

But that would make you a bitch in the eyes of Kurt Schlichter, a columnist for the Independent Journal who believes that nothing short of giving the caliphate an atomic bomb facial — complete with plutonium laden with the jizz of Ronald Reagan incarnate, dropped directly on them, their supporters, the dogs, cats, and birds who happen to live in the area they control (not to mention the unfortunate humans who have the misfortune of living under their brutal rule) — will suffice.

I mean, read this fucking shit. It helps to imagine the author stroking the erection he had while penning it.

The first wave of 12 B-52H’s emptied their bays of 750-pound dumb bombs directly over the heart of Raqqa, followed by a second wave, then a third. Crack Air Force ground crews were waiting back at the base in Saudi Arabia, and rearmament took less than two hours. Then they headed north again. In 24 hours, Raqqa ceased to exist.

Raqqa is a town in Northern Syria that is home to a quarter million people, whom would all be dead in Schlichter’s wet dream.

And who would perform this indiscriminate slaughter of civilians? Not that pussy twat cunt Obama, but the greatest president to ever sit in the Oval Office. That’s right, Marco Fucking Kill Your Fucking Family Fucking Rubio.

“When I was elected, I told you I wanted to be briefed on your plan to utterly destroy ISIS, General,” the President said. He was young and usually quite calm, but as a Cuban-American son of immigrants, he understood tyranny and knew how to deal with it. “General, what you gave me are timid half-measures that don’t begin to meet the intent I expressed to you. Now, I may not have served myself, but I understand the old game of manipulating civilian leadership by providing just the options you want instead of the ones the commander-in-chief requested. You’re relieved of command, General. Fired. Agents, show the general out.”

LOOK AT MY DICK. Feast your eyes upon the size of my engorged member. Watch it rise as I fire you from your post and replace you with…

He turned to his chief of staff. “Get the Wildman on the line.”

Wildman.

As the Secret Service agents bum rushed the stunned four star out of the Oval Office, the President took the phone.

On a Florida golf course, the secure cell phone of the retired Marine everyone called “The Wildman” rang, ruining his putt. The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname. President Obama had naturally felt it necessary to replace him with a more pliable, passive CENTCOM commander. He answered, then listened.

“General, this is the President. We need you. I am ordering you off the retired list and back to active duty as CENTCOM commander, effective immediately. I want to see your plan for the total destruction of ISIS in 72 hours. Your rules of engagement are simple. Wipe them out.

And just why was president Rubio so hard up for completely destroying ISIS? Because of their attacks on the French? Or Russia? Because of their brutal subjugation of the citizens of Syria and Iraq? Hell fuck because they held some U.S. citizens hostage? OR BECAUSE NOT ENOUGH AMERICANS HAD GUNS????

Most Americans supported him. After all, he had been elected in the wake of the events of October 12, 2016, when ISIS sleepers in America had struck at shopping malls across the country. While the killers in Phoenix and Dallas had been unable to murder more than a half dozen because of armed citizens (police credited dead terrorists to a retired schoolteacher with a Glock 19 and an insurance salesman carrying a Kimber M1911A1), hundreds of defenseless Americans were massacred in gun-free shopping malls in Los Angeles and Chicago.

You can almost imagine the silken ejaculate glistening on Kurt Schlichter’s chest after he completely and utterly exploded at the thought of Americans who believed in sensible gun regulations being shot to death by terrorists. But that cock doesn’t stay limp for long.

No it don’t.

The President had accepted the finding of the Department of Justice that all ISIS fighters were unlawful combatants not subject to Geneva Convention protections. They were like pirates of old, and piracy was stamped out only when governments began hanging them. So when American forces caught a band of ISIS fighters who had beheaded two captured American pilots, they were tried by a Marine court martial – the videotape they had unwisely made documenting their atrocity being the main evidence – and were shot by firing squad the next morning. The media was horrified when the President told a press conference, “If you murder Americans, you will die. Period.” His popularity rose to 70%.

UHHNN. UHHHNNNN. GUHNNHNNNGUHHH.

Then Marco Rubio ended the Cold War or some shit.

hen the war ended after two months, the President’s popularity was 80% and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead. The Islamic State was just a terrible memory. Iran, North Korea, Russia and China all saw and understood that they would need to govern themselves accordingly in the face of a post-Obama America.

You’ve really, really gotta read the whole thing.

[H/T @LibbyWatson]


Charlie Sheen's Relationships You May Have Forgotten About
TAGSIsis

Join The Discussion


Comments are closed.