Since the first drug test was designed drug users have been coming up with ways to thwart them, from liquid concoctions to pills, and some even going so far as to strap on prosthetic penises. Why prosthetic dongs? Because often when a drug test is court ordered the man peeing in the cup has to take a wiz in that cup while standing in front of a two-way mirror. Perhaps the most popular fake schlong on the market is the ‘Whizzinator’, and as far as real-looking fake penises go the Whizzinator’s probably second to none.
But no matter how life-like your fake dick looks, when it comes time to pee in that cup and a trained lab rat is standing on the other side of that two-way mirror staring down your meat stick there’s always going to be a chance that you’ll get caught trying to cheat the drug test, and that’s exactly what happened to William Bradham of Orlando, Florida.
Christal Hayes of The Orlando Sentinel reports:
A judge had sentenced William Bradham Dixon to 48 months probation after he was convicted of grand theft and criminal mischief in Osceola County. One of the conditions of probation was that Dixon submit to drug tests.
When he took a urine test at the probation office on County Road 561, a deputy noticed something strapped on to the 32-year-old Orlando resident.
I just dropped by curious to see what kinds of idiots would be curious enough to read such a story. Kinda reminiscent of the old middle school gag, pranking dumb classmates (who fall for it every time intently looking) he/she will grow hair on the palms of their hands or middle fingers from…
The deputy found Dixon had strapped on a Whizzinator, whose purpose is to defeat drug tests.
Dixon told deputies he had dipped a tea bag in water and filled the device with it.
He was charged with violating probation and employing fraudlent practices during a urine test.
After doing a little research on The Whizzinator’s it’s a friggin’ miracle that William Bradham was ever caught by law enforcement using his fake weenus. Here’s the product description from The Whizzinator’s website:
The Whizzinator Touch is a discreet synthetic urine device that is safe for all types of scenarios. It has the most life-like realistic fake penis on the market! The medical grade synthetic urine device features an ultra-quiet flow system that is very easy to use and operates with ONE hand. It has been extensively tested and proven to work in real life situations.
The Whizzinator touch comes with the following items: Two leg-straps in addition to the high quality waistband to be sure that everything stays in place. 4 organic heating pads that are guaranteed to maintain a realistic body temperature for 8 hours. 1 vial of the highest quality synthetic urine good for one use. 1 syringe used to refill and clean The Whizzinator Touch and a set of tips and instructions. If a fake penis is not what you’re looking for, then we have other trusted Urine delivery products available at affordable prices.
Here’s a pic of the Whizzinator kit:
And by ‘affordable prices’ they mean this fake dick kit retails for $139.95, which is certainly not what I’d describe as affordable considering how many other amazing products there are on the market being used to thwart drug tests. In case you’re wondering, the answer is ‘yes’, The Whizzinator comes in White, Tan, Latino, Brown, and Black. For those of you interested in more on The Whizzinator here’s an instructional video on the device.
As my buddy Chubbs notes, The Whizzinator is the same device that former Minnesota Vikings Running Back Onterrio Smith was once caught trying to cheat on a drug test with (10 years ago!).
If, like me, you think that $139.95 is a bit outrageous to spend on a fake penis all in the name of passing a drug test then here are a few of the top rated alternatives on the market:
Re-useable Portable Standard Male Advantage Urinal System with Down Drain Bag Making It Spill Proof
NOXIDE – Super Antioxidant Body Detox Drink With Natural Organic Ingredients. Kiwi & Strawberry Juice Cleanse
The Liquid Stuff One Hour Cleansing Drink, Grape, 16 fl oz