BROS: Here’s The Story Of A Struggling Actor Who Made A KILLING As A Sperm Donor
I think I can speak for 100% of bros who have been strapped for cash when I say that we’ve semi-seriously considered donating our baby batter to create an income stream. The prospect of “earning” a wad of money (no pun intended) for doing something we eagerly do twice a day anyway simply seemed too good to be true. Is that why we let the thought dissipate before anything actually materialized? Or was it because the shame of walking into a clinic would be too overwhelming? Or did we fear some pimple-faced red head would approach us 15 years later looking for guidance and lunch money? Or was it because we never got honest, reliable first-hand synopsis of the intricacies of jizz donation?
Welp, we have answers now, bros. We have answers.
The folks over at Hopes and Fears orchestrate an interview series where people who have insider information on intriguing, albeit controversial, topics share them anonymously. Interviewees include a chick working at a legal sex brothel in Australia, a private investigator tasked with running background checks on the finance industry’s big wigs, and yes, a professional sperm donor.
After reading the professional mastubator’s story and general perspective on jacking it for cash, I am more intrigued than ever in the prospect of sperm donation. You can read the whole story here, but I will summarize the key points for you bros because if you’re like me, you prefer the Sparknotes over the actual book anyway.
The story of this dude, who I’ll call ‘Jack,’ starts as all of ours would: broke and looking for a quick monetary fix. Jack was a struggling actor in New York City and needed to pay for acting classes and agent meetings. He did his research online and found that there are two majors clinics in NYC: California Cryobank and Manhattan Cryobank.
Let’s break this down into question and answer form to make it easier on the eyes.
Are some clinics better than others?
Yes. Clinics can vary on selectivity of donors (even considering level of education), frequency of donations, and price per load. In his interview, Jack details the variation.
California Cryobank pays pretty well but is extremely selective. You got $200 every time you donated, which is pretty good. You could do it at least twice a week depending on how potent your sperm was. They’d be like, “We want to you to come back every other day. You have to wait 48 hours since you last ejaculated.” I went and filled out an application. They had a section for your medical and family history. What about your parents, grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc.? Me, being the idiot I was, put down that my grandfather had diabetes, even though it was type 2, which was pretty much brought on by poor diet and other bad lifestyle choices, not a genetic predisposition. They immediately threw out my application. Bummer.
Manhattan Cryobank pays less well but they’re less selective. Everything in life is a tradeoff! They paid $80 a pop if the sperm count was good. You got an additional $40 if someone conceived off of your sperm.
He also reported of another clinic where they strictly dealt in in vitro solutions for lesbian couples where you’d have to sign a non-disclosure agreement prohibiting you from jerking off at any other place. They would give you $32,000 a year to come in three times a week. For those of you scoring at home, that’s pretty much an entry level job out of college. Just for waxing your kielbasa.
He eventually decided to work exclusively for Manhattan Cryobank.
What are the jack off rooms like?
Jack joked that the porn DVDs they provided were absolute garbage, so he cued up vids on his phone and eventually when he got desensitized to porn, went from the ol’ memory bank. He also had this to say about the rooms:
Every room was equipped with a sink, where you could wash up after you did your business. They stocked it with fancy soaps and those nice restaurant-grade hand towels you get from BJ’s or Costco. There was a flatscreen TV mounted on the wall and a kind of loveseat thing. And that was that, you’d go in and jerk off into a cup.
Is all sperm created equal?
Unfortunately not, bros. The value of your sperm is contingent on various factors. Extensive blood work and monthly urine tests are common. Also, if you have more potent sperm, you are allowed to come in more frequently, thus make more money.
Does taste matter?
Fuck no, bro. You serious? Stay with me.
If you smoke weed, do you have a shot at donating?
Yes. Jack was smoking “tons of weed” at the time, passed all of his urine tests, and no one said a peep.
How much money can you make?
Jack had extremely potent sperm so $400 a week, on top of his real life job. Yep, just for rolling up and jizzing in a cup.
Why did you even go to college, Matt?
Fuck off, prick. Just another mistake in a lifelong string of bad decisions.
How much information do you have to divulge about yourself?
You could pick differing levels of information to reveal to the clients. I let them see my face. They got to hear my voice. They were aware of my physical attributes and medical history. But they didn’t know my name or where I lived.
If the client was able to conceive, you have the option of revealing your identity to them, which costs more money for them, and more money falls into your pocket.
How many children has Jack fathered?
32. Officially confirmed. 28 boys and four girls, all estimated to be within one and two years old. Jack was genetically predisposed to having males which is in high demand for women overseas, especially from Asia, who prefer boys and mixed-race children.
Am I one of Jack’s sons?
So there you have it, bros. I glossed over some info, but feel free to head to the Hopes and Fears website to expand your knowledge on the topic.
I’m going to go masturbate to my ex-girlfriend. For free. I’m a fucking sucker.