This Eminem Fan Stayed Loyal To The Game, And Wrote A Spot-On Job Application Inspired By ‘Stan’

Lewis Kenny went all out on this Eminem fanboy job application. At a glance Eminem’s hit track ‘Stan’ seemingly has nothing to do with desperately needing a gig, but take the lyrical masterpiece apart and it becomes clear the maddening hopelessness born of a bone-dry job search mirrors the burning desire Stan felt to get Eminem’s approval. Granted ‘Stan’ was pretty damn extreme. For those that don’t already know, the song’s about a young man named Stan who’s unhealthily, compulsively obsessed with The Real Slim Shady. In the song Stan sends out rounds of I’m-Too-Good-To-Write-My-Fans-Back letters, bleaches his hair, talks incessantly (hell, continuously) about the rapper, and deep into boozing proclaims his undying love for Eminem while pushing 90 like a batshit crazy baus on the highway. Yeah, so, at least Kenny didn’t go pure fucking method on this parody. Give the bad boy a read for yourself:

For all those still trying to find a job. Inspired by Stan by Eminem.
Still Trying And Nothing
Dear Employers, I wrote you but still ain’t callin’
I left my address, my email, and my phone number at the bottom
I sent two CVs back in autumn, you must not-a got ’em
There probably was a problem with my Gmail or somethin’
Sometimes I misspell email addresses when I type ’em
But anyways, fuck it, what’s been up man, are you hiring?
My girlfriend’s pregnant too, I’m bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I’m a call her?
I’m a name her Jobbie
I wrote that I like knitting and crafting as a hobby too I’m sorry
I just thought it made me look like the kinda guy who knew how to make coffee
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I’m your biggest fan
I even got my HACCP & manual handling certs I did with SafeHands
I got a CV full of experience and references man
I even write detailed cover letters, explaining my future career plan
Anyways, I hope you get this man, I’m not annoyed,
Please don’t avoid, truly yours, your biggest fan
that’s unemployed.
Dear Employers, you still ain’t called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain’t mad, I just think it’s fucked up you don’t answer fans
If you didn’t wanna hire me after that interview
You didn’t have to, but you coulda atleast
wished me success in whatever quest that I would pursue
That’s only common courtesy, something you expect to be told
Instead I waited by the phone for you,
For four days and you just said, “No.”
That’s pretty shitty man, you just left me fuckin’ idle
you didn’t even hire my mate, he wants to work for you more than I do
I ain’t that mad though, I just don’t like bein’ lied to
Remember when we met at the recruitment day, you said if I passed on my CV
you’d be in touch and would call back.
See I’m just like you in a way
I wish for you to choose the best application
But I’m tired of being told I haven’t been successful on this occasion.
Especially when I can relate to what you’re saying in your job description
I’m fully flexible with experience and I really think I’d be a good addition.
‘Cause I don’t really got shit else and a job would help sort out me head.
I’m unemployed so long when I wake I can’t even leave the fucking bed
Sometimes I even send multiple applications through
It’s like adrenaline, to see I get more responses on that than Indeed.
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend’s concerned ’cause I think about you 24/7
But she don’t know you like I know you Employer, no one does
She don’t know what it was like for people like us wanting to move up, you gotta call me man
I’ll be the best employee you’ll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Lewis, P.S. Attached below is my CV too.
Dear Mister “I’m Too Good To Call Or Hire My Fans”
This will be the last CV I ever send your ass
It’s been six months and still no word, I don’t deserve it?
I know you got my last two CVs, I wrote the addresses on them perfect
So this is my cover letter I’m sending you, I hope you hear it
I’m in the department of social protection right now, applying for the dole
Hey Employer, I’m thinking about emigrating?
You dare me to fly?
You know the video by Dave Tynan, “I’m Just Saying”
About that guy who fucked off mourning the loss of a generation
Of the brightest minds, in a country plagued by austerity and reparations?
That’s kinda how this is, you could a rescued me from emigration
Now it’s too late, I’m on a long haul flight to Oz and I’m drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I left a scathing 1-star comment on your facebook review wall
I loved you employers, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can’t sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can’t sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can’t breathe without me
See employer, shut up bitch! I’m tryin’ to type!
Hey employer, that’s the hostess asking me would I like
anything to eat from the menu, but I say no cuz I’m only hungry to work for you.
Well, gotta go, I’m almost in Sydney now
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?
Dear Lewis Thank you for your recent application
We regret to inform you that you have not been successful on this occasion.
You did well, however, we are looking for an employee who has a long term career plan with us
We appreciate your interest and the time you took to meet us.
And we liked that you dressed formal the time when you came to greet us.
But what’s this shit you said about wishing the best in whatever quest that you pursue?
We say that shit just joking dog, come on, how naive is you?
You got potential Lewis, and we’ll keep you on file for any future opportunities
and will inform you if anything suitable that comes up shortly.
And what’s this shit about one of your references being your brother?
That type of shit’s unprofessional will make us not want us to meet each other.
I really think you and a job need each other
but unfortunately with more experience and skill sets we found another.
I hope you get to read this email, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you up and leave, I think that you’ll be doin’ just fine
If you relax a little, be patient and give it time but Lewis
Why are you so mad? Try to understand, that we do want you as an employee
It just that we also want someone capable of being the best they can be
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude had enough of it and flew over to Oz
And got a job, and moved up through the ranks so fast
he started his own business and unemployment was of the past
Now he’s on Forbes, Time and National Geo too
Come to think about, his name was, it was you

You gotta’ wonder from the get-go though, whether Kenny could’ve landed a gig flippin’ defrosted burgs (at the very least) if he’d put half as much effort into his other job apps. Maybe the poor bro just suffers from crippling waves of social anxiety, and stress-fueled noxious swampass, come in-person interview time. Either way I think we can all agree Kenny’s ‘Still Trying and Nothing,’ parody is deserving of a round of applause–if not some sort of fucking job offer. I mean the guy is clearly literate, creative, entrepreneurial, and entertaining–all skills any office will continue to benefit from having around.

[H/T: Lewis Kenny]