Q: At the beginning of a relationship, when should we become Facebook Friends? I've gone on a couple dates with this girl, we've hooked up, and seem to be having fun. I could care less about becoming Facebook Official, but from a 'getting to know you' standpoint (i.e. “stalking”), I'd like to be FB friends. When would you want to be FB friends with a guy?
A: In my opinion, the criteria for friend requesting is pretty cut and dry. After a certain grace period, it becomes perfectly acceptable. And you my friend, are in the clear. That is to say, you are in the friend request zone. Emphasis on the “request”. Facebook is an inherently creepy network so there aren't too many rules.
However, If any of the following were the case, you'd be skating dicey territory–
1. Before a first date
2. Directly following a one-night stand
3. Less than three days after meeting for the first time
4. Before you've met at all
With the exception of the above circumstances, you're pretty much out of the creep zone. Or at least that's what she thinks.
Stalk on, stalker.
Q: I recently succeeded in getting this girl I've been friends with for a while to break up with her boyfriend for me. We went at it for just about two weeks when out of nowhere she tells me that she doesn't want things to continue. Our sexual chemistry was palpable to say the least so I know that wasn't the problem. But, she claims she isn't over her ex yet (they dated for about 10 months). Normally I would forget about it and move on, but I have strong feelings for this chick and want more than just a hook up. How do I get this girl over her ex so we can get back on track?
A: While we're on the topic of friend zones, hats off to you, breau, for breaking free of the often eternally binding chains. It's a rarity. However in your circumstance, it's also not unusual for the chick to escape her comfort zone for just long enough to go scampering right back to it. You said yourself that the chemistry between you two was undeniable, so maybe she couldn't deny herself any longer. She was tempted by the fruit of another, like that obscure Squeeze song, and after she took a few juicy bites she saw the error of her ways. She let lust cloud her judgement and unfortunately for you, she's come back to what she believes to be her senses. The most you can do is continue to hang around as a reminder of just how undeniable those feelings were– but you may be hanging around for quite a while. If she only gave you two weeks or her singledom before returning to her nest, it seems like from her side of the fence she's viewing this as a slip-up rather than a fateful connection. So hang in there and give it your best shot, but know when to throw in the towel.
Q: This is an eternal battle that's been waging for a while. When I go out with a girl and get blacked out, I am exponentially more charming, willing to spend exorbitant amounts of money, etc. However, I find it almost impossible to “get there” when we start going at it. So my question is this. Would a girl rather a guy be slightly more socially awkward during the drinks portion, and have his wits about him during the no pants dance, or be more fun and outgoing (hammered) but come up short in bed?
A: Yoikes. I'm not sure just exactly how much sobriety (that bitch…) cripples your game, but nine times out of ten times I'd prefer a few awkward silences and a mind blowing sack sesh to a smooth talker who leaves me lying wide awake and sexually unsatisfied at the end of the night.
You should also consider that your blackout state may lead you to believe that you're being a lot more charming and sexy than you actually are.
That's right, binge drinking creates a sense of inflated courage. It's like, science. Ground breaking shit right here.
So it's possible that not only are you flailing during game time, you're not even playing it smooth beforehand after all.
What I think you need most is a pat on the back– from yourself. Here; I just gave you a virtual one too. That should hold you over. If ultimately you're sealing the deal on multiple occasions you can't be that painfully awkward, or at least girls aren't noticing, so lets see some self-assurance to back it up. Give yourself some credit– you're doing alright. Boost that confidence and fake it til you make it. And in the meantime, do your best to cut back on the blackouts.
Q: High school kid here. I have a girlfriend and we have sex pretty often, problem is her parents are usually home so we can't do anything too crazy. I'm wondering if you have any ideas to spice things up for those rare occasions when they do go out? Thanks.
A: My condolences for your stifled love life, enthusiastically sexual young bro.
By doing “anything too crazy” I assume you mean “anything other than missionary”? It's okay; you're in high school. Things will only continue to improve. Or at least you better hope, because high school sex is the worst shit ever. Sorry to be a downer. I digress.
I'd advise you to purchase some handcuffs, but that would make for a fucking awkward situation if the rents forgot a wallet or decided to call it an early night, and its really not worth the risk. Bondage can wait.
Take it from me, sex toys and/or general paraphernalia are pretty tough to hide when your housekeeper still reports findings to your roommate (mom), so I'd stray from those as well.
A sex calendar or some good old-fashioned research could do you right. Turn a mall outing into foreplay with a stop in the “Over 18” section (assuming you actually are…) of your local trashy store. Mine was Spencer's Gifts (anyone?). After a little inspiration is conjured up and some disposable vibrating cock rings are purchased, head over to Victoria's Secret to treat your girl to some sexytime gear.
Next thing you know a mall cop will be knocking on the back window of your car in the parking lot. Which is always a great alternative sex spot for some privacy. When you get home, assuming you don't get arrested first, utilize every surface not usually available to you under supervision. Kitchen counter, pool, on top of a running washing machine…get after it. And enjoy.
Q: How do I get my long distance girlfriend to stop making the duck face do something more sexy in the private pictures she sends me?
A: I had to google “duck face” in order to feel like I was responding to this question with a little more background knowledge on the topic. And what I found, I did not enjoy.
Hopefully your girlfriend doesn't wear frosted lip gloss like most of the guidettes that haunted my google search…but even if she does, tell her you want a picture of her smiling next time, because she's so gorgeous. Simple as that. You're using a compliment as a vehicle for change, so you really can't go wrong. Ignorance is bliss, so she doesn't have to know how unsexy her sexy face is. In fact it's best if she doesn't find out at all.
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