When man meets his maker, it’s his prime objective to leave a lasting impression. A legacy, if you will. There’s no better way to do that than with an eye-catching obituary that somewhat accurately captures — but mostly embellishes and/or ridicules — his character.
Previously, we’d shown the obit of a Philadelphia man who really liked Jennifer Lawrence and looking at boobs (which probably explains his appreciation of J-Law), the dude who got two obits — one from his wife and one from his side piece, and this mythical beast of a man. Well, this obituary from NOLA.com about a decorated war hero named William Ziegler who went on to become a fireman tops them all and takes the cake… or the beignet? To appreciate the man, you must read about the man.
Here’s the obit in all its glory:
“William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69. We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election. He leaves behind four children, five grand- children, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food. William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn’t much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war. Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts. Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman. After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired. Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob). Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but well-wishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor. He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another. He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don’t open these at work). Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.
Published in The Times-Picayune on Aug. 12, 2016”
Today’s August 11th. Weird. Is this the world’s first “leaked” obituary?
Not gonna lie, I had to Google “potted meat”. Ain’t nothing wrong with a man, a can, and a plan, which is a highly recommended book for any bro entering college.
Schaefer Light! THE most economically efficient beer choice on the market. I’m talking like $4 for a 30-pack. A little over a dime a beer. Hot damn, those kinda savings are the makings of a millionaire.
Tasteless internet jokes? Faking death to get out of voting, to avoid tax creditors and ex-flames? Can’t we just launch a Kickstarter to cryogenically freeze this bro until we get that cure-all machine from Elysium?
VIDEO: The best movies about drinking beer…