This Guy Who’s Used His Olive Garden Never Ending Pasta Pass Twice A Day Every Day This Month Makes Me Want To Barf
It’s no secret that I love Olive Garden much in the same way that I love AIDS, stepping on miscellaneous LEGO blocks without shoes on and butt-chugging bottom shelf vodka with a rusty funnel. We’re basically lovers, The Garden (see? We even have nicknames for each other, that’s how love-struck we are) and I, meant to be together the same way antifreeze coolant goes with peanut butter and how navy blue dress socks look GREAT when worn with a black tuxedo.
Yes, it’s no secret that I fucking hate Olive Garden. But I have to be fair. I can’t just hate SOME of Olive Garden, I have to hate ALL of Olive Garden and anything associated with it. People consider their breadsticks to be the last menu option bastion of “Foods That Do Not Make Me Shit Liquid,” and yet I would rather fist myself with a pineapple than even touch one of those over-glorified carbohydrate butt snakes.
With this in mind, know that when I say that North Carolinian Alan Martin is literally Satan, I mean it. He is literally, Satan.
A North Carolina man has used his “Never Ending Pasta Pass” from Olive Garden to eat 95 meals over the last six weeks.
Alan Martin bought the pass for $100 and says he has received $1,510 worth of food so far.
His goal is to continue eating Olive Garden every day, twice a day, until the pass expires on Nov. 9.
“I would love to be the person that ate the most of the 1,000 people. That would be a good contest to win,” said Martin. “Because that means I got the most value out of the card of anyone in the United States.”
Do you hear that, Martin? That’s the sound of no one giving a single flying fuck that you got more value out of the “pasta” they serve at Olive Garden. That’s like the kid eating glue in the corner during art class declaring that he ate approximately 5 gallons of good ol’ Elmers in one month; that’s good for you, but you’re still fuckin’ eating glue.