All Hallows Summer’s Eve: Why Halloween Is Most Important Holiday
Hi there Brobible readers, it’s Bread Foster. You might remember me as the guy Buzzfeed called “The Worst Person In The World” and ladies website Refinary29 referred to as “The Real Life Joffery” for my Game Of Thrones Trolling on Brobible. You may also recognize me as the guy whose articles you’ve read and never recognized the author. Well, I wrote a book. It’s called Dude, Bro The How to College Guide Your Parents Don’t Want You To Have. That just rolls off the tongue right? Well, it’s available here and BroBible is going to show you little pieces of the book every week for a while. Please enjoy this crazy romp through my advice for college students, and my nostalgic stories for the post-graduate.
Why Halloween Is Most Important Holiday
Halloween has always been the best holiday. Look at it clearly: at every age Halloween is the best holiday of the year. As a kid you don costumes, stay out past your bedtime with friends, and get free candy. Then you eat free candy until you feel sick and someone pukes. As a young adult, they add the aspect of “mischief night,” A time to focus all those confusing pubescent feelings into rage, then go back to the houses you wrecked to get free candy. Then you eat as much as you can until you feel like crap and puke. Once young adulthood comes around, someone’s brother buys some beer, girls start wearing costumes that make you feel funny, then someone drinks too much until they puke and pass out. High school is when Halloween gets even better. Girls slap the word “slutty” in front of anything and call it a costume. Really those costumes are gift-wrapping for all the syphilis you’re going to get. You get drunk around half-naked people, someone pukes, then you all go and pass out. You get the picture yet? Halloween is the best during your college years. There are a ton of different parties to go to and if you have social anxiety you can wander the campus and take in the sights or wear a mask.
Costumes are a source of constant entertainment on Halloween. When it comes to costumes there are three types: funny, “this again?”, and sexy. College is where you start to really develop a sense of humor, and that comes out in the costumes. Every now and again, someone puts a lot of thought into their costume and comes up with something hilarious. Yes, they’re showing a massive need for attention, but at least they’re making an effort to make everyone else’s night. Seeing a cool costume makes people smile and helps them to enjoy the night.
Then there are the costumes you’re going to see at every party. These are uncreative pieces of shit and they should be shunned and banned. They don’t take Halloween serious enough and should be forced to go trick or treating and supply whatever party they want to gain entrance to with bribes of candy while they eat apples with razor blades. If you see someone dressed as Hunter Thompson, then drug them, and anyone dressed as The Boondock Saints should have a toilet dropped on their head, The Blues Brothers and Tom Cruise in Risky Business should have their sunglasses broken and be forced to sit on them. These once-beloved characters have been watered down and destroyed by generations of college kids making last minute costumes.
The final type, the “sexy costume,” is simple and easy. If you’re a guy, be some sort of gladiator or Roman. If you’re a girl, pretty much wear anything. It’s confusing why we as a society have deemed that women should only look this way one night a year, but they can literally throw sexy in front of anything and it’s acceptable.
The only costume that is never acceptable in any case ever is the “Sexy Bee.” It’s awful. There is nothing sexy about a bee costume. It’s your way of telling everyone you don’t give a shit about Halloween or about yourself. When the sexy bee walks in the room, everyone sighs and silently wishes you never showed up to the party. It’s the least creative costume to ever exist and seeing it lets everyone know it was last minute and you probably don’t leave your house often. No one ever looks at a sexy bee and thinks about anything other than spraying it with the chemicals under the sink. It’s the worst costume and it needs to stop making the companies who put it out there money.
Condoms and morals have one thing in common on Halloween: they’re not used. Dressing up then getting drunk leads to the best bad decisions you can make. It’s like having an alternate persona for one night, an awful, drunk, slutty, and wonderful persona. It’s always a treat to see what atrocious actions people will perform on a brisk Halloween night. Something about the cool air and lack of sobriety mixes in with a foggy October night to make people live out their weirdest dreams and fantasies. It’s a night when Shrek might bang a contestant from Legends of the Hidden Temple. A night when Ms. Frizzle might have the first beer of her life and end up screaming at all of her friends for being idiots. Honestly, Halloween is a night when a volatile mix is in the air and absolutely anything could happen.
Warm cider is one of the very best things about Halloween parties. When you’ve been drinking for hours and you can feel the acidity in your stomach, nothing calms it and keeps you going like a warm cider. Sure, it’s just store-bought cider with cinnamon and vodka, but it doesn’t change the fact that it helps. Most people who are out on Halloween are half naked so a warm cider makes the night a little bit less nippy, for better or worse. Warm cider brings a little warmth to your bones, and that way you don’t have to explain “it was cold out” when she sees your bone.
The walks of shame after Halloween keep the fun from the night before alive. There is nothing better than watching a Disney princess taking a walk of shame the night after Halloween. An amazing pasttime is to sit on a roof or porch or even bench and watch the walks of shame as they roll in. Staying drunk from the night before and watching as The Hulk’s half-smeared body paint moves down the sidewalk looking sad is amazing, Captain America looks more like Colonel Canada. There are thousands of characters to watch as they all leave wherever they slept. Remember, she doesn’t have to be Cinderella to have left a shoe behind.
The very best part about the holiday is that no one gives a fuck. Dad’s taking kids out trick or treating get drunk and puke in sewer drains, Moms make hard cider and invite other adults over, giving kids places to throw parties. Everyone in college puts whatever dramatic bullshit they have going on aside and goes out to have a great time. It’s several days’ worth of costumes, parties, and bad decisions Everyone gets a free pass on Halloween, nothing is too scandalous or bad because Halloween is supposed to get as weird as possible. So don’t say Let’s Get Weird, then start crying when someone dresses as Hitler and ends up making out with Katy Perry.
I hope I taught you a little something today, or maybe I made you giggle. Who knows what each week will bring you? Let’s all join together in the comments section and let me, Bread Foster, know how you feel. Either way, if you want more stories and advice from a guy who got a 3.5 average and a 0% attendance record pick up my book here.