5 Ways to Tell If She’s Just Not That Into You, Dude

You know what I hate? Being mean. I’m just not a mean person by nature. Don’t get me wrong, I can go from sweetheart to PMS-rage borderline Aileen Wuornos in like, zero to sixty if I am so inclined, but that usually comes with extreme provocation. It takes a lot for me to be a truly mean bitch, and usually the person on the receiving end deserves it. And then I feel bad and apologize because I’m a Pisces and I’m just not a mean person. I hate making people feel shitty and rejected.

And when it comes to dating, I’m a softie. For a while, I was the asshole who was too nice for my (and the other person’s) own good. I’d go out on second, third dates with a guy I had absolutely no interest in dating. Mainly because I didn’t know how to reject someone. I know how shitty it feels to be rejected – I’ve been there once or twice (shocking, I know, right? I’m such a self-declared peach). But sometimes it gets to a point where you gotta tell a guy you’re less likely to sleep with him, let alone date him, than you are to give birth to the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ because they just won’t go away. And that’s hard. And apparently, guys don’t take rejection well. And there is nothing I hate more than having to tell a guy, “look, you’re really nice but I’m just not into it”. Because then they ask why and I’d prefer not to make someone feel like shit by being honest and saying “your breath smells” or “your body weirds me out” or “I find you more boring than cheese” or “you are way too intense for your own good and I’m afraid you’ll strangle me during sex” or “I don’t dig uncut penises and I never want to go down on you with that thing”. I’m sorry, sometimes the truth hurts and I just don’t want to be like that!

So here are five ways to save yourself from having a girl have to be blunt and mean and tell you she ain’t interested. Recognize the lack of interest and CUT YOUR LOSSES if you witness any of the following behaviors.

5. No chick makes multiple excuses to not hang out with a guy she likes.

I went out on a date several weeks ago. The guy was nice, okay, but not for me. He asked me to hang out the next day and I told him I was taking it easy because I was filming my web series the following day super early, which was true. He told me he would be low key with me. I told him I didn’t shower and wasn’t in the mood for company. He then asked me what was wrong with being unshowered, that he didn’t care. I again told him no. He asked why. I then got annoyed and simply said, “no” with no follow up.

The truth of the matter? If I were interested in this guy, I would have hopped in the shower and set up an early hang out without hesitation. Not like I’ve never gone on limited sleep before. But wasting the limited sleep I was already entitled to plus the arduous task of showering and putting makeup on for a guy I had no desire to ever see naked? No. Dudes, if a chick declines multiple versions of offers of an invite, she ain’t into it. Cut your losses and watch some porn.

4. No girl is too busy to hang out with a guy she likes.

A guy I went on a date with asked me, literally, to hang out every night after work the following week. I turned him down for every night telling him I was too tired, or that I was too busy or that my week was completely packed. Here’s a clue, I’m pretty cool, but I’m not the head of the fucking CIA, okay? I work at a bar. And I once flew to Utah to hang out with a guy (and Chicago. And France. And LA. Twice during Christmas time in the middle of the busiest month of the year for me.). If I were into it, trust me, I’d find time in a two week period of bar shifts where I could throw you an hour for beers or a little second base in front of the TV while watching breaking Bad action. So if a girl is telling you she is legit too busy every single day for two weeks, and she’s not the head of emergency surgery at an understaffed hospital, she ain’t into it.

3. If she talks about her ex(es) or other dudes a lot, she ain’t into it.

This was actually more of a self-discovery for me than anything else. When I really like a guy, I talk about sports. I do not, however, talk about the sports guys I’ve dated. But what I noticed is when I was out on dates and knew the second I walked in that the guy was not for me, I’d go off on rambles of guys I dated. My exes. My close guy friends. I would name drop every athlete I ever knew. And it took me (weirdly) a while to realize for me, it was a defense mechanism. If I’m talking about another guy, I’m probably thinking about that guy. That’s very true of my last date. Even though I was talking about all the shitty things I didn’t like about the last guy I was legitimately into, I realized I was still thinking about him. And then I got drunk and text him later that night. If a chick is talking about other dudes, yes, it means she is probably thinking about them. Probably misses them. And probably comparing you to them in every conceivable way and whatever fucked up relationship she had with them is gonna bypass whatever cool casual convo you can come up with. It’s a sad truth. So if a chick is talking about other dudes, grab the check and peace out. She aint into you.

2. If she logs back into a dating website you meet her. 

I’ve been on Match.com more times than I like to admit. I usually sign up for it after I end things with an athlete, looking for a little normalcy in my dating life. You know, normal jobs, normal distance between us, no groupies hanging around the rink ruining shit, no big league swagger and ego to deal with, no thousands of female twitter followers to wonder about. I’ve never had a Match situation work out. One came close, but ironically, he had played baseball previously for a west coast team and then quit, so I don’t count that one. If you see a girl you met online is logging back in after she hangs with you, it’s probably not gonna happen. When I’m into a dude, I’m into it. I don’t see other men. Now, I can’t speak for all people with lady parts. There are some chicks who date the same way they change their panties,.  But for me, if I go out with a guy and really like him, I do not log back in. I don’t look for better. So if you see a chick you went out with logged back in to the site, let alone multiple times, she’s probably looking for something else. And talking to other dudes. And going out with other dudes. Which means she’s probably not that into you, and even if she calls you again it’s because she’s keeping you on the backburner in case that better looking dude with more hair doesn’t message her back. Cruel but true.

1. If she tells you she’s getting back with her ex.

I don’t feel so bad with this one because I’ve had it done to me multiple times, so it’s kind of like, eh, we all do it. Some guys just won’t take no for an answer. So you go into the arsenal of “what CAN’T he argue about?” He can tell me he’ll be less clingy. He can tell me he’ll be more hygienic. He can tell me he’ll get rid of his cat. Feelings for an ex? BOOM. CAN’T HELP WHO I LOVE, I’M SORRY! The heart wants what it wants!

If a chick goes out with you then tells you she’s still hung up on her ex, or getting back with her ex, it’s probably a 70/30 lie to truth ratio. She probably isn’t getting back with her ex. Her ex is probably dating someone else and she probably hasn’t talked to him in months. But if she’s using the excuse, it probably means she DOES still care about him, that she’s not over it entirely and above all, that she just doesn’t want to date you and doesn’t want to be mean and tell you. I once had a guy ask me why I didn’t want to date him. He had an answer for every excuse I gave. And so finally I just said, “look, I’m not over my ex”. It wasn’t a total lie – I definitely still thought about my ex in passing – but I’ll tell you right now, if George Kottaras (whatever, I have a HUGE crush on him and he has an adorable dog named Leo) or Brian Boyle were like, “hey Stef wanna be my girlfriend”? you can bet your life that my ex boyfriend (whichever one you want to use for that moment) would not be a problem AT ALL. So if the chick is saying she isn’t over her ex, or that her ex is back in the picture, yah, she’s just a soft pussy (that sounds sexual but it’s actually the least sexual thing possible in your case) like me who doesn’t know how to say “sorry, you smell funny” or “sorry, you’re terrible at sex” or “I find you boring” and so they just go with an easy out you can’t argue. Lose her number and move on.

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