An Inarguable Ranking of the World’s 5 Best Pies, in Honor of Pi Day

For those of you confused by your friend’s “Happy Pi Day!” Facebook statuses today, Pi refers to that weird math symbol that equals 3.14 (and, like, 50 other decimal places that only high school virgins know by heart), so on March 14th you celebrate Pi(e) day. Now, I’m not a huge pie guy by any means. I just don’t enjoy pastries really and I’d much rather have ice cream or fruit for dessert than some sugary pastry. With that said, there are a handful of pies out there that I definitely enjoy. Here’s my Top 5:

5) Apple Pie

Just your classic pie here. Like baseball, hot dogs, and invading third-world countries for their oil, apple pie is what America was raised on. It’s like when Steve Buscemi says in Big Daddy, “This is America, if you don’t like spaghetti and meatballs you can get the hell out:” Same goes with apple pie. They’ve even got it at McDonald’s for Christ’s sake.

4) Shepherd’s Pie

The American version (seen above) is a slab of meat, corn, and potatoes. Impossible not to like and impossible for your mom to fuck it up. Plus, it’s not a pie you come into contact with that often, so every time you eat it seems like a special occasion of sorts.

3) Banana Cream Pie

I didn’t even know I liked banana cream pie until like 2 years ago when my girlfriend’s mom made it. At first I gave it the ol’ take-a-really-tiny-bite-just-to-be-polite move, and next thing you know I was absolutely hooked. It got to the point where I was turning down dinner invitations if no guarantee of banana cream pie dessert was made:

“Come over for dinner Jim, we’re having filet mignon, lobster, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Olive Garden breadsticks.”
“Sounds awesome! What’s for dessert?”
“New cars for everyone in attendance!”
“Umm, I forgot I actually have plans tonight.”

2) Vagina

I thought Googling “vagina” at work was pretty risky so I went with “cameltoe” instead. Vagina is warm, moist, and hopefully smells and tastes delicious depending on who’s cooking.

1) Pizza

I used to think there was something wrong with people who refer to pizza as “pie” but now it’s my go-to vernacular. Any honest man will tell you that he’d take the perfect pizza over the perfect vagina any day of the week. Semi-funny story from 9th grade math class: It was the day before Pi day and our teacher wanted to celebrate the next day so she asked if anyone would be willing to bring in a pie to tomorrow’s class. Students raised their hands and the teacher would write the type of pie on the chalkboard. I raise my hand and say I’ll bring a pizza, so the teacher writes on the board “Jimmy – Pizza Pie.” A girl on the other side of the class yells out, “EWWW, Pizza PIE?!?” Public school, folks.

Jimmy T is a regular columnist for BroBible. He runs the blog Jimmy’s Very Unusual.