It’s that time of the week once again. Another scintillating installment of Ask A Bro.
I had a really odd week. I worked from home out of necessity and then around 3am on Thursday night I woke up with this intense nausea. I sprinted to the throne in time and then started getting these hot flashes. The sweat just dripping down, as if I was stopping mid-marathon to keep from dookying on my leg. The feeling was very similar to waking up in the morning after an intense drinking session and you’re stomach is all “hey, payback time, you prick!” You know that feeling.
So I’m pulling out of the pharmacy parking lot, four chewable and way-too-delicious-to-be-medicine acid reducers in my mouth, and across the street is this older woman walking out of the public library. I’m waiting to make the left and I’ve got one eye on her because she looks like the type of broad who’d just saunter into traffic like she’s got the right of away and wants her replacement hip paid for by a complete stranger’s money and insurance.
She’s reading this neon orange handout from the library and finishes it up and just tosses it right onto the grass and keeps walking like she’s Leo on a yacht full of tail, not a care in the world.
I lost my shit.
I’m all “what the fuck lady?!?” through the now open passenger window, pink bits of half-chewed medicine spewing from my mouth “did you just toss that piece of paper onto the grass when there are hundreds of garbage cans in the area? Who do you think you are? Pick that up before I take this SUV and jam it up your octogenarian ass like it’s colon screening day at the senior home!”
So the police report makes it sound like I’m the asshole in this situation even though I’ve never littered in my life and seriously these antacid chews are fucking better than any candy.
Anyway, don’t forget to check out my new book that’s out now and also I demand that you follow me on Twitter. Alright, let’s do this shit…
Q: So I got a buddy who dates a total bitch. Yeah sounds like your typical story but it does go deeper. I’ve already heard her toss out the occasional, “you can’t go to our wedding,” and other statements that are certainly appropriate. (Sarcasm intended) All of his friends hate her but won’t tell him. Is he ever gonna see that she’s a bitch? Or am I gonna sit this wedding out – not like I’ll be invited anyway.
A: Does she have a sister? Bang her sister. Date her sister. Take a photo of her sister’s wedding invitation that says “and guest”, send it to your bro’s girl and request she put you at a cool table.
Q: I’ve been dating this girl for 4 and half years now. We started in high school in India and for the past 3-and-half years I have been in the US and she is in India. We broke up a couple of times in the middle but got back together soon after. Now she is doing an internship in India and has met a guy she has feeling for. She told me about it 2 weeks ago and I went crazy and started trying to talk to her everyday( something I haven’t done in the past). Today, I talked to her and she told me that she needs me to leave her alone so she can figure this out. She said she still loves me and I completely love her. I want to marry her and we are family friends so it won’t be a problem. She has told me many times she wants the same but something seems off now. I don’t know what to do? I don’t want to lose her and I love her completely. Maybe more so after that guy came into the picture. Tips? Please I could really use some help.
A: Tip number one — stop calling her. There’s more annoying to a girl than a whiny bro calling every day to profess his love and tell her she’s making a huge mistake. Don’t call her and ignore her phone calls.
If you want back in, you’ve got to take the side route. You said your family is close to her family right? There’s your play — her family. But you can’t go running to them saying “oh, I want her back, I miss sticking my beef vindaloo in her cham-cham.” You’ve got to tell your family how awesome you’re doing in the states. You’ve got to tell them about your awesome life, all the white poon you’re banging and how you’ll probably never go back to the homeland again.
Pop tells the news to your Uncle Darsh who happens to relay the message to her Aunt Nayva one night at the mall and the news hitches a camel ride to her parents who relay it back to her and Hey, is that your cell phone ringing? Is it her? Cool. Send it straight to voicemail. You’re busy even though you’re not busy.
Can I come to the wedding? I’ve never been to a traditional wedding and I hear the cham-cham is always top shelf. Yes, I’m still talking about vagina.
Q: So basically, every girl I begin talking to seems to feel me on a good level, i’ll usually hook up or try to smash anyway, without being thirsty, and I’ll either get as far as smashing or just making out in bed, dry humping & cuddling and watching movies kinda thing. So, my question is why do girls, while “Talking” with me, act like we’re in a relationship some weekends, but then other weekends it’s like I can’t even get a text or Snapchat back, etc. Is it something I’m doing? I feel like this happens a lot and it’s annoying. I feel like I’m ready to settle down. Thanks a lot bros, I’m a true fan and reader of this site.
A: People still dry hump? Ugh, that shit is the worst. Yeah, let me rub my dick against this unforgiving fabric over and over until my shaft is rawer than fresh tuna. What’s the end game there? You want to shoot hot yogurt into your own shorts? It’s a no-win game.
You’re being a needy little twit. She smells your “want to settle down” and only wants to settle down in a bed with other dudes. Saying you’re not “being to thirsty” is a clue you’re super thirsty. It’s like when assholes go “I’m such a nice guy.” You convincing us or yourself bro? The next time you see her, act like you don’t give a hot shit about her and gauge her reaction. She’ll be blowing up your mobile in a matter of hours.
Q: I’ve hooked up (only got as far as making out and foreplay) with this girl twice. She still sometimes acts flirty around me but other times she talks about other guys around me. Do I try one more time, because she’s gotten a WHOLE lot hotter, or do I leave it because she’s probably full of herself now?
A: Did you ever think of this — maybe she’s mentioning other guys because she wants to have a threesome?
The next time she mentions another bro’s name go “alright if you had to pick either me, him or both of us banging you at the same time, which would you pick?” If she’s dumb enough to say “him” in front of you, never call her again. If she says you, you’ve got about an hour to get in that. If she says both, charge up the video camera.
The final question today was actually posed in our group chat by senior editor and sex toy aficionado David Covucci. He asked “how many women do you think know about incognito mode? I have to say it’s less than 50%, right?”
A: I’m going to say that for every bro who knows what incognito mode is — and in case you don’t know it’s the a function that will tell your web browser not to save a record of the websites you visit and download — there’s a woman who’s got no fucking clue it exists. So basically, I’d say about 10% of women know about incognito mode and found out this information because either a) they work on the web b) found out through a male friend or c) found out after going to check what her dude searched online because he was being shady as shit and realized the history was nonexistent and asked a guy friend how that was possible.
So now that I’m blowing the spot of most bros here with any females reading, let me explain why browsing in incognito mode is a bad idea. [Disclaimer — If you’re searching weird shit on a computer other than your own, yes, 100% always browse in private mode. Always]
First off, for those that do it for computer safety and cookie reasons, check out this info from How To Geek about private browsing.
Private browsing protects you from people with access to your computer snooping at your browsing history – your browser won’t leave any tracks on your computer. It also prevents websites from using cookies stored on your computer to track your visits. However, your browsing is not completely private and anonymous when using private-browsing mode.
Private Browsing prevents your web browser from storing data about you, but it doesn’t stop other applications on your computer from monitoring your browsing. If you have a key logger or spyware application running on your computer, that application could monitor your browsing activity. Some computers may also have special monitoring software that tracks web browsing installed on them – private browsing won’t protect you against parental-control-type applications that take screenshots of your web browsing or monitor the websites you access.
Private browsing prevents people from snooping on your web browsing after it’s occurred, but they can still snoop while it’s occurring – assuming they have access to your computer. If your computer is secure, you shouldn’t have to worry about this.
So, first off, it’s not even 100% fool proof. It only works some of the time. That’s one reason not to bother with incognito mode and the other reason is because, if you’re doing it so your girl doesn’t catch you looking at porn or Google the address of an ex, a private browser or an empty search history makes you look EVEN MORE GUILTY THAN YOU ARE. You might only be looking up midget porn but she’s going to think the worst. It’s better to just have it all out in the open.
RELATED: Your Favorite Porn Site Might Be Watching You Fap, Even If You’re In Incognito Mode
“Yes, I search for porn involving the cast of Little People, Big World but it’s a completely healthy endeavor!”
Just search out in the open. If she goes looking in your browsing she obviously thinks you’re up to no good and WANTS to catch you doing something wrong. Just get it all out in the open now.
On a side note, you’re fetish IS weird but Little People, Big World porn doesn’t exist so save your time and energy like I wish I had.
Got a question for the resident bro? Submit questions here, email Chris directly at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital [dot] com or if it’s under 140 characters, hit Chris up on Twitter @chrisilluminati.