Apparently The Key To Being Happy As An Adult Is The Lamest Damn Thing Ever



The advent of agriculture, while useful in freeing up enough time for us to make massive technological advancements in society, has been terribly detrimental to the internal calibration of our psyches. No longer struggling every day to get enough food to survive, we began to wonder our purpose in life.

As life for humans became easier and easier, a moral quandary developed. Who am I, what am I doing, wah wah wah why I have I been stricken with this pleasurable, sedentary existence?

The solution to this dilemma in recent times has been the belief that being happy is the key to life. All is okay if you are happy. Your time on this Earth is supposed to be joyful. Do what you love. Etcetera.

But how, how do we people do that? What, even, is happiness? How do we find it, achieve it, maintain it? Love? Kids? Ketamine?

A new study says it’s far, far, far lamer than that. Apparently, the most fulfilled Americans are the ones who go to the dentist the most.

That’s… that’s right. Regular trips to the dentist are the key to filling the hollow void within. Much like a dentist fills a cavity.

In a survey of the well-being of Americans across … America, the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index found that cities where people had the highest well-being were also cities where everyone went to the dentist. From The Washington Post:

“In high well-being places, people go to the dentist; that’s a very common feature,” said Dan Witters, research director for the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, which ranks 190 metropolitan areas by the well-being of their residents based on a survey of more than a quarter-million Americans.

A visit to the dentist will, of course, not fix all of your problems, but places where people have good dental health also tend to be places where they report being generally fulfilled.

“It’s a surrogate for it,” Witters said. “People who take good care of their teeth generally think they have higher well-being lives.”

Of course, this is most likely a case of correlation over causation, as people who go to the dentist often are the ones who are allowed to leave work to make their appointments and have quality insurance that won’t bankrupt them over a crown, but still.

Humans are fucking lame when they get older. Doop dee doop brush my teeth for two whole minutes, that’s the good life.

Have we become a society of Flanderses?

Meanwhile, if you don’t want to feel unfulfilled, there’s one simple trick. Don’t live in West Virginia or Ohio.

Charleston, W.Va., ranked dead last, according to the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index.

That state claimed another spot in the bottom 10, as well, while neighboring Ohio claimed three.

I could have told you that.

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