Because we here at BroBible like to start everyone’s week off on the right foot with pictures of hot girls, sports coverage, and goofy Internet videos, here’s a news story about a meth head that hid underneath a couple’s bed for hours while wielding a giant knife. It’s the perfect way for those of us who are constipated from pigging out on crap the entire weekend and need a lil’ something to get us shitting pooping ourselves again.
“The University District couple returned to their condo late Wednesday night and walked right into a scene straight out of Paranormal Activity. They found their junk mail ripped open and a paint can overturned in their toilet. Someone—or something—had also smeared lotion over their doorknobs, the couple says.
Spooked, Brian O’Neill, 38, and his wife crept into their bedroom. ‘And it was just trashed,’ says Bridget O’Neill, 32, who works for the Pokemon Company International as a graphic designer. She found all their clothes scattered on the floor. A mound of electronics had been piled high on top of their bed. And perhaps most bizarre, the soles of her shoes and boots—20 pairs total—had been removed.”
The fact that nothing had been stolen should’ve been a hint that whoever did it was tweaked out on drugs. I mean really, who rips the soles off of shoes and then just leaves them there? Besides dogs, obviously. If I’ve learned anything from Breaking Bad, it’s that meth heads do whatever the fuck, whenever the fuck they want. In this case, that includes casually hiding under beds while brandishing knives.
“The couple had started to pick up the mess left in their bedroom when Bridget O’Neill found a pair of shoes that didn’t belong to her. Minutes later, Brian O’Neill moved their bed slightly to pick up a bracelet off the floor, he says. Suddenly, something under the bed started to stir. ‘It was a noise coming from something alive,’ Brian O’Neill says. ‘It sounded like a dying possum or raccoon…’
Then the couple heard the sound of fierce scratching. They fled the bedroom and called the cops again. This time, the O’Neills waited outside their condo when the police returned and went inside. The officers emerged a few minutes later with a lanky, wild-eyed woman. Somehow, she had spent at least the last two hours hiding under the bed…”
GREAT. Now whenever I hear funky noises coming from underneath furniture I’m going to automatically assume it’s a tweaked out meth head. And in true meth head fashion…
“The woman, who authorities did not identify, told cops that she had been on a ‘meth rampage’ for several days…
They found a hypodermic needle in their bedsheets and locks of the meth monster’s blond hair littered around their house. Under the bed, they found a large kitchen knife.
‘Rather than use the knife to pop out and murder us, she was using the knife to deconstruct the box springs of the bed,’ Bridget O’Neill says.”
Only a meth head would casually state “Oh yeah, it’s like, Sunday, right? I’ve been on a meth rampage since Wednesday. Tryna beat my record of 3 days, you know?” And nothing is more meth-tabulous than hiding under a bed so you can fuck with someone’s bed springs rather than murder them. I’m surprised this lady isn’t from Florida.