Introducing a chick to your parents is a tough road to navigate. Mostly because it can really stagnate a relationship. Once she brings up that she wants to meet your parents, you guys are pretty much stuck in that moment together until she meets your parents. No advancement on any fronts, sexual or otherwise. Plus, once she meets your parents, they still have to like her. Sure, she may let you tie her up and spit on her in bed, but if mom and dad don’t like her, it’s back to the jerk-off drawing board for you.
Of course, everything I just told you is speculation, because I’ve never dated a girl long enough to reach the “I want to meet your parents” stage. Much to my parent’s disappointment, I might add. Such disappointment that, really, I wouldn’t be surprised if they started using guerilla tactics to get me out on some dates that don’t involve too much tequila and not exchanging last names. “Oh TJ, I met this wonderful girl at the supermarket. She was very pretty and was babysitting these two adorable little boys.” “Are you sure they weren’t her sons?” “Well, you can ask her when she calls. I gave her your number.” So, personally, I’m not too surprised that this 48 year-old’s parents threw all caution to the wind and took an ad out in the paper to find their son a wife without giving him a heads up that it was coming.
“You think your parents meddle in your life? Salt Lake City businessman Baron Brooks said he was shocked to see a full-page advertisement in a North Idaho newspaper Saturday inviting candidates to interview to be his wife. The 48-year-old broker in the health food trade quickly deduced who was behind the $900 Coeur d’Alene Press ad, which listed criteria such as age, height and political views – “If you voted for Obama or plan to vote for Hillary you are not for me.”
“My father did this without my consent,” Brooks said in a phone interview Monday. “I can’t even describe to you how embarrassing and ridiculous this is.” He said he was infuriated with his father but also doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. And so he has decided to let his father, 78-year-old Arthur Brooks, of Beverly Hills, California, proceed with interviewing women who meet the specifications for a suitable mate. According to the ad, the interviews will take place Saturday at The Coeur d’Alene Resort.
“And then I’ll have words with my father separately,” said Brooks, the owner of two health food stores. “Who knows, it can’t hurt. Who the hell knows?”
“What am I supposed to do? He already did it,” he added. “No sense in defusing a bomb once it’s already gone off.”
Arthur Brooks, who breeds and races thoroughbred horses, said Monday he wouldn’t answer any questions about his ad until noon Sunday, presumably after he selects a winning prospect for his son. Reached while on a trip to California, Baron Brooks described his father as “nuts,” “neurotic,” “passive-aggressive” and without boundaries, comparing him to Larry David’s character in the TV series “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”
“That’s my dad: stumbles into stuff, has a loud mouth, thinks he does the right thing, and then it all blows up in his face.” Brooks also said his father has been ill and really wants a grandson to carry on the family name. “Ever since he went into congestive heart failure he’s done some really kooky stuff,” he said. “And this one takes the cake.”
Asked why his father would buy an ad in a small daily newspaper in Idaho, Brooks said his dad recently vacationed in Coeur d’Alene and may have been drawn to the area’s conservative politics.
“He knew I’m a political conservative, OK?” said Brooks, who also is Jewish. “And most Jewish girls are quite liberal, and that doesn’t work for me. You probably are going to get more like a Midwest-type values in Idaho – somebody’s who more right of center than you would, say, in Los Angeles.”
The ad noted that Brooks is “looking for a wife who is ready, willing and able to have children as soon as possible,” and also that “you would be a stay at home mom.” The ad noted that Brooks is “looking for a wife who is ready, willing and able to have children as soon as possible,” and also that “you would be a stay at home mom.” In the interview, Brooks said, “Dating in Salt Lake has been tough because all of the women I meet already have children. … I’ve never been able to meet a woman young enough to have children. But that’s my problem, not his.” He added that he’s seeing “two different ladies right now, but nobody that I’d probably marry.”
Brooks said he spoke only briefly with his father since learning about the ad, and that his dad told him he also wouldn’t talk with him again until Sunday. In the ad, Arthur Brooks promised to provide the person or persons he selects – and any chaperones – with round-trip airfare and first-class lodgings to meet his son.”
Hmm, I wonder why ole’ Barry’s been having trouble finding a wife or a nice girl. Could it possibly be because he’s a fucking dickhead? Possibly. I’ve literally never met anybody who talked so poorly of their parents after their parents did something they viewed as helpful. “Yeah, my dad cleaned the gutters for me the other day. He’s such a piece of dog shit. Actually, he’s worse. At least you don’t have to pay for dog shit to go die in a nursing home when it gets older.” Also, sorry you haven’t found a woman through casual dating who’s ready to drop everything and have kids with a 50 year-old man. You live in Salt Lake City, not the Big Apple. There’s no way you’re even remotely rich enough for these women to give up their jobs in favor of your wallet.
Honestly, the ad isn’t even that bad. I’m not sure what he’s been complaining about.
Via CDA Press:
You will probably be between the ages of 34-38 but that can be flexible. You will be attractive being height and weight proportional. Ideally, you will have no children from previous marriages but that is also flexible.
HERE ARE THE MUSTS
• You must be willing to move to Salt Lake City as that is where my business is located.
• You must be politically conservative. This is very important to me. If you voted for
Obama or plan to vote for Hillary you are not for me.
• I am 5’5” and if you are 5’8” & like to wear high heels it may not work.
• Religion is open.
• I would expect that if we have children you would be a stay at home mom.
I own two health food stores in Salt Lake City. I was born and raised in Los Angeles and moved here ten years ago for my business. I am Jewish but not very religious in a formal sense although I am spiritual. I own my own home. I have asked my father to screen people for me. He will be at the Coeur d’Alene Resort. You may call for an interview on my behalf on Friday June 24th at 208-765-4000. When calling the Resort ask for Arthur Brooks. Interviews will take place Saturday June 25th. Please bring a short one page description, background and a current photo.
This is absolutely not a scam. The person or persons selected will be given round trip air ticket as well as first class lodgings. You may bring a chaperone if you wish; mother, father, friend, etc. Their expenses will also be paid. We will go out on a dinner date and go from there.”
I don’t think that’s too bad at all. It’s pretty much all laid for you. That’s the closest thing a 50 year-old guy from Utah is going to get to a reasonably successful Tinder profile. Fuck, I might even trick my parents into doing that for me. If nothing else, it’ll be a dope story to tell when all the chicks with daddy issues see me at a bar and decide I’m the perfect way to get back at their parents for not letting them get their septum pierced in junior high.