Penis Implants Are Now A Real Thing And Of Course They Only Come In Sizes L, XL and XXL

Not that YOU need a penis implant, but hey, you might have a friend who is, how shall I put this, a little deficient?

Regardless, the science behind this new and first FDA-approved penis implant is more than a little bit interesting. That and the fact that these penis implants will only come in sizes L, XL and XXL because hell yes they do.

“Nobody wants a small,” says James Elist, M.D. tells GQ. “So we don’t have a small, we don’t have a medium. We start from large.”

Damn right. Doc knows his shit.

The invention Elist calls the Penuma costs $13,000 and basically involves the doctor inserting a sheath of silicone that adds an average of two to two-and-a-half inches of length and girth. You just can’t have sex for six weeks after the procedure.

It’s getting rave reviews too, reports GQ

Another guy, a 43-year-old mechanic from Arizona, told me he got an XL Penuma inserted two years ago because “I realized, well, nothing about me is average or normal, and I didn’t want my sexuality to be average or normal anymore.” After the surgery, he said, his boners increased from six and a half inches to eight and a half inches, and the Penuma “gave me this crazy amount of stamina. Like, I can go for two hours. And I have more control over my orgasms. I mean, I can be going like a Mack truck and still hold back.”

And then there’s the 43-year-old plumber from Northern California whose six-inches-plus, his wife says, “had never been an issue for me.” And yet her husband was convinced that he wasn’t satisfying her: “I didn’t feel like I was doing my job like I was supposed to.” This feeling of inadequacy led to bouts of erectile dysfunction that tormented him until he was fitted last July with an XL Penuma. Now the plumber and his wife get busy four or five times a week.

“He’s been a sexual maniac,” the wife told me. “He has erections all day long every day now. We haven’t had this much sex since when we first got together.” And that was 20 years ago. Getting the Penuma, the plumber said, “basically saved our marriage. I wish I had done it sooner.”

A sexual maniac, bros. There’s a nickname to be proud of.

So there you go. Like I said, if you, uh, know a friend who needs some help, please do him a solid and pass this story along. I’m sure that he will thank you for it later.


Cucumbers image by Shutterstock

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Before settling down at BroBible, Douglas Charles, a graduate of the University of Iowa (Go Hawks), owned and operated a wide assortment of websites. He is also one of the few White Sox fans out there and thinks Michael Jordan is, hands down, the GOAT.