I’m on the fence about the whole Playboy revamp which focuses on the articles. On the one hand, I did get to the new Playboy launch party in San Francisco and meet a whole host of scantily-clad, pleasant women who I would never bring home to meet my mother. On the other hand, you know, boobs. However, seeing as I grew up in the Internet age, I never actually purchased a Playboy magazine since I could just Google pretty much anything I wanted to for free. Not that I watched a lot of porn growing up.
Regardless, with all the fuss around it, I have begun checking out the articles on Playboy and, yes, they’re not that bad. Take for instance Bridget Phetasy‘s recent task of attempting to find the definitive rules for talking dirty in bed. Dirty talk is an intercourse minefield. One wrongly posed question or demeaning nickname and your bullet train to pound town goes from top speed to a dead stop. In an attempt to help the world navigate the darker corners of the dirty talk world, Phetasy interviewed 25 men and 25 women to figure out what the majority of people’s feelings are on the various facets of dirty talk. Here’s what she found:
On Authenticity:
HE SAID
Sometimes it can just flow. Sometimes you’re not in the mood for it, and it would just come out forced. If I know it’s going to be forced, just stick with grunts and sighs and moans. Nothing sounds more ridiculous then insincere dirty talk.SHE SAID
I’m very dominant in bed, but I’m also disinterested in doing the talking because it would feel awkward to me. I’d rather show than tell.
On The Term “Daddy”:
HE SAID
I was all about it until I had a girl who had never met her dad call me “daddy.” Sort of the beginning of the end.Terrifying. Nothing stops the action faster than if I ever hear that.
I’ve been in all situations. Women are fine with it. Women request it. Women think it’s creepy and aren’t having it. I don’t have a problem with it, and I enjoy it with the right person.
SHE SAID
I love hearing stuff about being his little girl, like him playing daddy. “My princess.” “My little girl.” “Naughty girl.”I’ve been sleeping with a guy since last fall who loves it when I call him “Daddy.” Literally gets him hard every time–even just by texting him.
On Feedback:
HE SAID
It’s great to get some feedback on how you are doing when you are involved in oral sex. Sometimes we need a little guidance on location and when we are at the appropriate level of engagement. I know that each person is different, but I see it as part of the intimacy when you can speak very openly with your partner in the moment.Only acceptable time for any talking to me is when my head is between your legs and you’re saying, “Don’t stop. Right there.”
SHE SAID
I personally love to hear a detailed description of what my partner wants from me or what she wants to do to me. I love to hear what she wants more of and what she likes. I also love when she asks me what I want and gets off on the fact that telling her will make her crazy.I really like telling people when they’re doing a good job. I feel like it’s good feedback, and it only makes the sex better.
On Compliments:
HE SAID
I like hearing how good the woman is feeling or how good I make her feel. “I love your cock pounding me.” “Keep playing with my clit.” “Deeper.” “Harder.” “Fuck my little pussy.” Or when she asks me questions like, “You like watching my tits bounce?” Or “You like when I sit on your cock?”I enjoy telling a woman how good she feels. For example: “You’re so wet. Or tight. Or hot.” “I love the way you taste.” “Your pussy feels so good.”
SHE SAID
I like hearing compliments about my body when we fuck. I like hearing that my pussy is tight.I like telling him what to do, where to touch me, to spank me or tease me. Also telling him how something feels, what it’s doing to me, that I missed feeling him in me. I like being told I’m sexy or hot.
On Vocabulary:
HE SAID
I think, like most things having to do with the actual act, dirty talk bears some discussion beforehand. You don’t want to kill the vibe by saying something that really turns your partner off, or worse, triggers some remembrance of a past traumatic experience.I’m not comfortable using words like “bitch”, “slut” or “whore.” I feel they are demeaning and would never use them unsolicited. If a woman specifically asked that I use those words because it turned her on, then I’d work them in to my script.
Once we’re agreed on acceptable terms, I really enjoy talking dirty and hearing her talk dirty. Not, like, constantly. You have to pick your spots. But judiciously deployed, I say the filthier the better.
SHE SAID
The degrading stuff (dirty whore, blah-blah-blah) isn’t cool at all.I kind of like being called a slut, especially when it’s from someone I know doesn’t actually think I am one.
Talking dirty can be really hot but can go south quick if what turns one person on turns the other off. People are pretty specific about certain words–and using them in the heat of the moment can be a deal-breaker.
I was with a guy who thought it was sexy to use words like “whore” during sex. It was not. At all.
On Dominance:
HE SAID
It has to have a creatively psychological flair to engage her mind. Always variations of “I’m going to dominate you, and you’re going to love it,” more or less.SHE SAID
I want to be told how I’m going to be fucked first and then maybe just maybe I’ll add in my two cents on being choked out, bent over, pinned against a wall, etcetera. I do not want to be the aggressor but will totally instigate and push for that from a guy. If he pusses out and wants me to be in the lead, then just fucking forget it.I like being the sub in bed because I’m so dominant in real life. I like being manhandled and controlled in bed.
I love it when this one dude texts me in the middle of the day that he wants to choke me with his dick because I miss our unique sexual experiences, and feeling like he has the power, and it makes me feel like a woman and wanted.
On Kink:
HE SAID
Dirty talk is amazing. It really only works right when you can slightly push at taboos and boundaries while knowing you won’t genuinely hurt her feelings.Dirty talk is in many ways is almost as challenging as approaching the ‘Let’s try anal’ conversation, because it can often totally change the dimension of thinking.
SHE SAID
I won’t necessarily give in to all of his desires, especially facials and anal, but there is something about a verbally confident male who isn’t abusive that melts me.I like being called dirty. And being told that he wants to spit in my mouth and do gross stuff to me.
On Sending A Sext:
HE SAID
You can dance a randy tango over texts sent during the working day. You can share your considerations of who is going to fuck who harder. Then there’s always the testing of boundaries–the subtle way of bringing in things you’d like to try—and often that can really help understand what does and doesn’t flip the switches.SHE SAID
It’s the build-up that gets me. The heat that grows in between my legs and the wetter my pussy gets closer to the end of the day when I know we will get to pounce on each other and get it on in the living room chair before everyone else comes home.
On Trust/Intimacy:
HE SAID
It’s confidence-inspiring if you trust that person. And on some level, the talk weirdly brings some element of porn in to it. And who doesn’t have some level of porn fantasy?The best is when there’s interplay between tenderness and dirty talk. Genuine perversion underpinning genuine care and vice-versa.
SHE SAID
It’s only when I’m extremely comfortable with my partner that I can muster up the strength to say it aloud. I haven’t felt comfortable enough even with boyfriends, like the one who tried to make me feel bad about how many guys I had been with. He got no dirty talk because he was an asshole and made me feel self-conscious and slutty from the get-go.I feel like I need to know I won’t be judged even if something weird comes out in order to talk dirty. Sometimes I still keep it to myself because I’m in the zone, and it takes energy to get it out of my head and into the world.
Not going to lie, that’s a lot to unpack. I mean, yes, this is some dirty talk insight the likes of which I’ve never seen before, but also, you can only have so many rules before something becomes unsexy. That’s why robots don’t have sex. They just can’t ditch the rules and live by the seat of their metal pants. So, for you bros who love talking a little trash in bed, take your notes, but remember, anything you say can and will be used against you.