So you finally got your diploma, congrats man. Five years and six figures was worth it, right? If you already have a job lined up, good for you. If not, good luck with the job search. Things are about to change, Bro. Believe it or not, those girls you chased in college, they got smarter too. “Wanna come do shots in my room?” might not have the same ring it did in college when you’re sleeping on the pull-out in mom and dad’s basement this summer. But not to worry, my friend. Just because things change doesn’t mean those changes are all bad. Believe it or not, contrary to what you may have heard, a lot of these changes are actually pretty fucking cool. Everyone has some adjusting to do when making the transition from the collegiate to the postgrad lifestyle, and the postgrad dating scene is no different. Embrace the inevitable reality of these changes and you’ll be back on a roll in no time.
1. You Will Experience, At Minimum, One Sexual Slump
I’m a firm believer in receiving the bad news first. Makes things easier in the long run, I think. There’s really no way to sugarcoat something like this either. At some point after you graduate, you will experience the dreaded sexual slump-happens to the best of us. Unless you’re the guy that goes on to marry their high school or college sweetheart, there will come a time where you couldn’t get laid in a monkey whore house with a bag full of bananas. The best way to break your cold streak will be to drastically lower your standards because 1.) You’re going to lower your standards at some point anyway, and 2.) Going home with a hard 3 will make for a wildly entertaining story. Yeah, your bro’s will give you shit initially, but you’ll laugh about it later. Promise.
2. You Will Have Sex With At Least One Ex-Girlfriend
Maybe it’s because you’re living back in your hometown for the first time in four years, or maybe because you’re desperate to break out of a sexual slump (see no. 1). Whatever the reason, there is a strong chance that one morning you will wake up next to a familiar face. This doesn’t just apply to ex-girlfriends either. Maybe it’s a former flame, or some girl from senior year you used to “talk to.” Whatever the case may be, one night you’re going to slug one too many Jack and Cokes. Drunk texts will be made, cab drivers will be paid, and you’re going to get laid. Sure, things will be awkward in the morning, but chances are she feels the same way. Hell, she’s probably in the exact same situation you are anyway. Don’t sweat it, bro.
3. You Will Take Girls On Dates To Places You Never Thought You Would Take A Date
I remember specific instances freshman year of college when a “date” qualified as a late night Taco Bell run. Not exactly a scene straight out of The Notebook, but long story short, usually things worked out well. Fast forward five years, and I probably have a better chance of hearing from the Cavaliers regarding their no. 1 pick than hearing from the girl I just tried to woo over an $.89 burrito on a first date. Sure, go ahead and take that girl you met at the bar to dinner and a movie, just make sure you’re ok with her thinking you possess the ingenuity and the personality of a sixth grader. Get creative with it, man. Might I suggest the batting cages? Unless you’re a total non-athlete, the batting cages are a great idea for a first date-trust me. A little different, yes, but that’s the point I’m trying to make here.
4. Tinder Will Become Your New Best Friend
Thought Tinder was cool in your small college town? Wait until you get to Tinder in a large American city. Not to mention, Tinder serves as a great way to pass the time at your new office, which coincidentally bears a striking resemblance to the set of Office Space. Who am I kidding, Tinder serves as a great way to pass the time anywhere. Shit, I’ve swiped right three times already since I started typing this paragraph. Keep it casual, though. Don’t be that idiot that’s looking to meet his soul mate on Tinder. The chick whose bio states “It’s going down, I’m yelling Tinder!!!” might not necessarily be wife material. Just saying.
5. You Will Realize No One Knows What The Fuck They Are Actually Doing
Ask any millennial, including myself, how they have been doing lately, and nine times out of ten the answer you will get is “busy,” which is just code for, “I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I’m going to respond with ‘busy’ so I don’t seem like a total fuck up.” The truth is, most twenty somethings are in the same boat. Most of us have been conditioned our whole lives to believe that we need to have our entire lives figured out by the time we graduate. In reality, a very small percentage of young people actually have it all figured out and more often than not, those people suck. Don’t be that guy. I’m not saying you should throw away golden opportunities just to have the time of your life, but don’t be afraid to live it up. Go on as many dates as you can, get with as many girls as you can, and most importantly, keep getting weird with your boys. If you’re having fun, things will fall into place. Your twenties are the prime years of your life, which means you should fucking act like it. Or you can be that guy that settles down at 24 and sells insurance for some dickhead for the rest of his life. Your call.