Get Your Boning In Now, Bros, Because A New Study Finds Doing It When You’re Older Could Kill You

Having sex equals good but sometimes can having sex equal bad????

Yea, when you are an old dude.

A new study from Michigan State found that old dudes doing sex is bad, and I couldn’t agree more. That shit gross. I mean, like, ugh, who even wants to think about an old dude fucking, his jangly old balls flapping so low they swing around his lady’s perineum and smack her on her lower back? (In this scenario he is standing up, and she is lying on the bed but with her ass off it, so his balls can make the trip unimpeded to the spot where her spine meets her pelvic bone.) (And he’s thrusting real hard, to get the requisite ball momentum needed for this hypothetical.)

That wouldn’t even be the grossest part. Nah, the heart attack that comes after is much more awful.

From Science Daily:

Having sex frequently puts older men at higher risk for heart attacks and other cardiovascular problems.

[Hui Liu, MSU associate professor of sociology] and colleagues analyzed survey data from 2,204 people in the National Social Life, Health and Aging Project. Participants were aged 57-85 when the first wave of data was collected in 2005-06; another round of data was collected five years later. Cardiovascular risk was measured as hypertension, rapid heart rate, elevated C-reactive protein and general cardiovascular events: heart attack, heart failure and stroke.

Older men who had sex once a week or more were much more likely to experience cardiovascular events five years later than men who were sexually inactive, the study found. This risk was not found among older women.

It’s even worse if they enjoy it.

“Strikingly, we find that having sex once a week or more puts older men at a risk for experiencing cardiovascular events that is almost two times greater than older men who are sexually inactive,” said Liu. “Moreover, older men who found sex with their partner extremely pleasurable or satisfying had higher risk of cardiovascular events than men who did not feel so.”

What you love will one day kill you.

Get your pleasurable fucking in while you still can, dudes.