Study Finds That Second-Born Children Are Way More Likely To Be Criminal Assholes

There’s something called the “curse of the second-born child” that states that the child born second are typically a huge pain in the ass. Throughout the years this was a myth and only backed up with anecdotal evidence, but a new study reveals that second-born children are assholes who get into trouble way more than their siblings. According to Joseph Doyle, an MIT economist, the “second-born curse” is real and it will haunt parents for 18+ years.

Doyle, along with his colleagues Sanni Breining, David Figlio, Krzys Karbownik, and Jeffrey Roth, compared two very different cultural places: Denmark and Florida. They examined a mountain of data to see if there was any difference between factors among second-born children and other. The researchers discovered that there was no difference in health, education, resources, or love from their parents. But what they did find out that second-born siblings get into much more trouble especially if they are male. Second-born children (especially sons) have a 25%-40% increased chance of getting into serious trouble at school or with the law when compared to the first-born in the same family despite having the same upbringing. Such is the case in Edwin and John Wilkes Booth as seen above. Both were great actors, but John Wilkes Booth went and assassinated President Abraham Lincoln.

As for the reason for the huge difference, Doyle believes that the parents of first-borns are more invested in their upbringing and by the time the second kid comes into their life they’re over all this parenting bullshit.

“The firstborn has role models, who are adults. And the second, later-born children have role models who are slightly irrational 2-year-olds, you know, their older siblings. Both the parental investments are different, and the sibling influences probably contribute to these differences we see in the labor market and what we find in delinquency. It’s just very difficult to separate those two things because they happen at the same time.”

Parents could be looking forward to kicking the youngest sibling out of the house so that they can retire and move to The Villages in Florida where they can get blitzed and bang other seniors. So now you know why your little brother is such a cosmic turdpipe.