Survey Proves Coffee Drinkers Are Worst People On Earth

Today is National Coffee Day, which is a bigger load of BS than Bastille Day. To pretend it’s legit, one brand took a survey of coffee drinkers, and the results will make you want to see Starbucks burn to the ground.

I’ve been know to dabble a small black coffee from time to time, and I’m most certainly a major consumer of caffeine. But like Mitch Hedberg just wanting to be called a guy who likes boats, I never want to be called a coffee enthusiast. Enjoying caffeine is one thing, but these responses to a survey by Nescafé Dolce Gusto make it clear that coffee drinkers are the worst people on Earth.

59% of coffee drinkers agree that coffee drinkers are more attractive than non-coffee drinkers.

Nothing says “do me” like stained teeth and coffee breath.

44% say their morning “officially” begins after they’ve had their first coffee.

We all hate the “not til I’ve had my coffee” people in that McDonald’s commercial. Plus, that’s not how time works.

Coffee drinkers think they gain 25 IQ points after they have a cup of coffee.

Gaining 25 points is jumping two IQ classes, so either coffee drinkers are morons without their cup or they’re just delusional. My money’s on both.

55% of coffee-drinking parents would be likely to “borrow” from their child’s allowance if it were the only way they could have a cup of coffee that day.

I’m pretty sure people go to anonymous meetings for things like this..

Nearly 1 in 3 coffee drinkers say they could buy monthly groceries with the amount they spend in coffee shops each year.

Those $4+ pumpkin spice lattes add up pretty quickly. But hey, with 380 calories and 13 grams of fat, it’s basically like buying food anyway.

42% of coffee drinkers say that their last cup of coffee was more satisfying than their last “intimate experience.”

You’re doing it wrong.

These are clearly not the sort of people with whom I want to be associated, so I’ll be celebrating the made-up National Coffee Day like a normal person… chugging Surge.



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