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Q: Hey babe, so I just got out of a two year relationship and I’m ready to pick up my shit and move on with my life. However, I’m having troubles getting the courage to get laid. I’ve had herpes on my finger for a couple years (yes, it’s a real thing, Google “herpetic whitlow”) and I got it from an infection in a cut on my finger during rugby season. Well, it turns out this can be transmitted to your junk if you’re not careful enough, which means it can be transmitted by touching your dick to pee. So now I have genital herpes thanks to not taking care of a little cut on my finger, and I don’t know how to approach getting laid, because explaining this whole situation is kind of a mood killer. Any suggestions? Condoms are obvious (with or without the herp), but I feel like I have an obligation to let chicks know about this.
A: You’ve left me no choice but to Google this mysterious “herpetic whitlow”. And I must say, I learned a lot. I sort of scanned through the description of its herpes-related origins as you’d already warned me of such details. What I found maybe the most interesting is that it’s most commonly contracted in infants and toddlers, who suck their thumbs.
I dunno. This definitely has me a little hung up, and I feel like going forward, particularly while trying to get laid — you should be sure to leave that detail out. The transfer of this nasty little infection from your finger to your dick is unfortunate, but it’s great that you’re being thoughtful and proactive in approaching chicks. I agree that it’s definitely a mood killer, so perhaps when being considerate and giving girls a heads up, you leave out the nitty gritty of your finger herpes, herpetic yada yada, Rugby, etc, and just tell her you contracted an infection — not from a sexual interaction, but that regardless you need to be careful and wanted to give her the heads up. It’s the best you can do, really.
Sure it might be a deal breaker for some, but you owe it to the person you’re getting down with to let them know before passing anything along to them. Beyond that I’m not too well acclimated with the details of the herp, but from what I gather you can treat breakouts and strongly decrease your odds of giving it to anyone else.
Best of luck, Finger Guy.
Q: Follow up on the dude who’s slam piece wasn’t good in bed…what if she’s my girlfriend? Like I’ve been dating her for a couple months. I know what I like in bed. Unfortunately I have a lot of miles on me, but I’d like to potentially settle down with this chick. How do I talk to her about stuff in bed to get her on the level I want?
A: There’s nothing wrong with having some miles on you, my friend. It gives you some character, lots of wisdom…some dents and dings like your car from college, but still charming and attractive. But if you know what you like…come on big guy, you gotta use those words of yours. The last thing you want to do is let this quietly unsatisfying sex life go on any longer than it must. For god’s sake man, we’re only young once.
Take the lead and slowly introduce some new variety into your routine. Use encouragement, verbal and otherwise, and pay close attention to her reactions. If she seems like she’s not feeling it, try something new. Ask her what she likes. This can be a gradual transition to where you want to be, but it’s not going to happen overnight or without a little leadership. If you do it right, she’ll keep asking for more.
Q: Do college girls think it’s more attractive if a (white) guy knows how to dance? I don’t mean grinding or necessarily break dancing, but just being an apt dancer rather than the awkward Bro with no moves / the guy standing against the wall.
A: Does the pope shit in the woods? Of course a Bro should have some moves under his sleeve. A guy with his own steps that he flaunts comfortably is a truly great thing. It shows confidence and coordination; it lets girls know that he isn’t boring, but he also doesn’t take himself too seriously. I’m not suggesting you take private Salsa lessons on the side and pull out your finest choreography on the frat floor, but some impressive moves and funky grooves send only the best vibes.
Agreed that break dancing is probably not the move, but grinding does still hold a place on the dance floor (and in my heart). When you’re in the right setting, with the right rap music, sometimes you just gotta get your junk grinding up against some chicks’ butt. Sometimes it just feels right. Go with it.
In regards to Guy Against the Wall, he really isn’t doing himself any favors. He’s not looking cool or mysterious, and certainly isn’t one-upping the dancer. After a song or two he starts to look like a loitering predator, which is never a welcome character to any party.
Groove on, party Bro. Groove on.
Q: So I was wondering what it takes to date you? I’m a good looking guy, and was wondering if you wanted to go on a date? Maybe we can go mini golfing, then go for a walk in the park along with ice cream while talking and getting to know each other. So, what do ya say, date or no date?
A: While I do love ice cream and parks, my date prerequisites are a little more involved. To take me out you’ll need a few things:
1. A personality.
2. An IQ above 120 and a bookshelf to back it up.
3. A residence independent of your mother, ideally below 23rd street, with a respectable income and a sense of ambition.
4. Ripped abs, formidable oral sex skills and general stamina in the bedroom.
5. Above average to stellar dick size.
From the sounds of it, I’m just not sure our mini golf date is gonna work out. But if it ever did, I guarantee I’d provide the most humiliating defeat you’d experienced in years.
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