The 7 Most Overrated Things Bros Love
I’ll channel my inner Holden Caulfield with this one. I know slaughtering sacred cows is bound to ruffle some feathers (animal metaphors FTW), but this is America. Our founding fathers declared colonial rule played out, why must I believe the hype over The Big Lebowski?
It is important to note, however, that none of these things actually suck. I understand that they are all tremendously popular for a reason. Rather, it’s the incessant singing of praises that makes my ears bleed. Some Bros do it to fit in; others just don’t know any better. Let’s break some hearts, It’s time for the 7 Most Overrated Things Bros Love.
At every pregame I’ve ever been to, there is always a Bro who loves to inform anyone within an earshot that he just “can’t drink vodka anymore”. It’s this weird pseudo-masculine move that has become an epidemic. I was uniformed that a major tenet of manhood was pretending to enjoy lukewarm brown sludge that makes your eyes tear. My disdain for whiskey, bourbon, and the like is always met with the classic smug response: “you have to develop a taste for it.”
To quote Jackie Mason, “does anyone need to develop a taste for chocolate? No, because chocolate tastes good!”
“Bro you’re so E, I’m Drama, Jeff is clearly Vince, the dog is Turtle….” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat through a hypothetical “Entourage” casting call. The most predictable show in HBO history and the reason idiots nationwide thought it was cool to bunk up post-grad. Every episode was just a series of luxury cars pulling into driveways, smart phones being slammed, and the sleepwalking style of acting only Adrian Grenier could mail in. Admittedly, Ari was a great character. But when every schmuck in my office tried to deliver his lines, I knew the show was popular for all the wrong reasons. I could go on, but I’ll let this classic parody do the heavy lifting.
Calm down, relax, and take a few deep breaths. Just hear me out. After college, I moved to New York City. Instead of three bars to waste my weekends in, I have over 1800. Who I hang out with is not dictated by what frat I pledged, but by whom I genuinely want to see. And rather than do work for a grade, I do it to get paid. Feeling better now? Besides, I know we all have fond memories of unforgettable parties and epic intramural football games but let’s face it: 85% of college was sitting in some dingy room playing Madden. IT’S THE SAME GAME EVERY YEAR PEOPLE! THEY JUST CHANGE WHO’S ON THE COVER!
4. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show/ Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
Every year my mini-feed is rife with comments extolling the virtues of these events. It’s something I never understand. For a brief moment everyone forgets p*rn exists. I get that the women are absurdly hot, but watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is like watching “Scarface” on cable; it’s just not the same. Perhaps in decades past, the Swimsuit Issue was golden but nowadays chicks do much more for much less, all from the comfort of my computer.
Any game where it’s nearly impossible to break a sweat is not a worthwhile sport in my book. I’d rather spend 30 minutes on a treadmill than spend three hours in the outfield packing a lip and picking my wedgie. As for the spectating side, who would want to watch 162 of anything? If you were to sit through every inning, that’s nearly 500 hours of your life wasted. I don’t care how many games you’re behind the Yankees, bro. Go live life.
Not fun for her, not fun for you, and way more work than it seems. When was the v*gina considered passé? Call me old-fashioned, I guess.
1. House Music
Disco for the current generation. There is a reason everyone who goes to Ultra is rolling face. Because the music f*cking sucks! I know in 10 years every bro will look back at pictures of themselves in skimpy neon tank tops and plastic sunglasses and realize the err of their ways. The dude who swears that DJ Günther Van Bismarck is the greatest knob-twiddler of all time is the same dude who was wearing baggy jeans and throwbacks five years prior. Meaningless music, perfect for the poseur.
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