The Only 5 Things Guys Are Allowed to Fear (Other Than Commitment)
Being a young man means being afraid of everything but never letting anyone know it. As a young male it’s your job to over compensate to the point of ridiculousness so that when you’re older you can’t give a shit anymore. Having no fear makes it so that you have stories to tell with your friends for the rest of your life, which will get you through the times that life seems pretty crappy. There are exceptions though, these are the things that its fine for guys to be afraid of.
Dolls: It doesn’t matter when or where you saw your first one, their eyes are always so distant it reminds you of the look on your parents face the first time you got a D. The only thing scarier than a doll is the poorly adjusted humans who collect them. Creating a replica baby is weird enough, but it defiantly shouldn’t be available to humans who shouldn’t have the real thing. Dolls are like child pageant contestants, fake, plastic and completely soulless.
Clowns: When everyone tells you its stupid to be afraid of clowns, remind them Ronald McDonald is responsible for child obesity and more heart attacks than we can count. The worlds most famous clown forces child laborers to create crappy toys for his happy meals and makes sure the workers will never be able to afford the toys or to eat at his restaurant. There isn’t a single normal clown, although Stephen King’s Pennywise was the scariest clown ever, even Krusty’s back ground is sad tortured. Added, those are all middle-aged clowns, the only thing scarier than an old clown is a young one. How creepy is a 20 year old whose decided to be a clown? Nothing is scarier than the future of someone whose going through puberty practicing juggling and miming.
Police Officers: It doesn’t matter if you’ve done anything illegal, are doing anything illegal, or plan on doing anything illegal, police officers are a mind fuck. Sure, you’re smarter than them, but they have guns and mace and the ability to send you to a place where a butthole is considered storage space. The scariest part about Police Officers are their timing, they always seem to show up at exactly the right time to ruin the rest of your life. All of a sudden an amazing pee in an alleyway turns into a $300 fine and a night in a jail cell with a guy who smells like sweat and missed child support payments.
Rugby Players: It doesn’t matter how brave of masculine or even how many friends you have with you. Rugby players are petrifying individuals with the pain tolerance of a crack head. Rugby players are bouncers no matter where they are. Yea, their bodies are falling a part from the sport they play, but these maniacs seem to have a muscle structure so powerful it probably holds their organs in place using fear tactics.
Otters: Otters are evil; they’re like the psychotic aquatic cousin of the gopher in caddy shack. Yea, they’re adorable when they’re lying on their back and smashing urchins with stones, but otters are literally water weasels and no one should trust glorified wet ferrets or the creepy kids that keep the dry ones as pets. They have the thickest hair in the mammal world making them adept at deep water murder. Also, Otters constantly rape Harbor Seals. Now everyone should hate Harbor Seals and Sea Lions as much as otters do, they’re the pigeons of the aquatic world, but no animal deserves to get raped. Germans would film normal otter sex too, the male bites onto the females face while they mate sometimes killing her. Not to mention, otters are one of the only animals that kills for fun. Fuzzy, 100lb marine murder tubes. They’ve found groups of Otters killing much larger animals and celebrating afterward. Their only predators are humans, killer whales and sharks. You realize how badass that is? A fuzz ball that’s so sadistic only the worst things on planet earth are capable of killing them, there is an entire ocean of murderous monsters with tentacles and teeth but nothing wants to fuck with an otter.
Follow @BreadFoster on twitter, or else he will bring an otter to your house. Or see him live July 8th in NYC at The Laughing Devil Comedy Club at 8pm.