8 Things You Should Definitely NOT Do When Trying To Avoid A Hangover
Every single one of us has had the Best. Night. Ever. only to wake up and have the Worst. Morning. Ever. That’s because hangovers are real, and they are terrible. Your drunken bliss soon turns into pleas for a merciful death, and your golden party sheen turns into something you might find in an episode of The Walking Dead.
Everybody knows this, though, and so everyone tries to cheat death by doing anything and everything they can to avoid the full viciousness of a killer hangover. Unfortunately, you all fuck it up. A lot. Yes, people make horrific mistakes, mistakes that actually make a hangover much, much worse.
So, while everyone is busy giving you advice on how to “cure” a hangover, I’m going to be the dude who sits you down and tells you all the mistakes you’re making. So, here are 8 things not to do if you want to avoid a hangover.
Don’t Mix Beer and Liquor
Seriously, you need to quit doing this. I know, I know, the night gets out of hand and, hey! Look who it is! Shots! This starts so, so well, and ends so, so badly. Usually in a pool of vomit. You’re just giving your already over-stressed body more shit to have to deal with.
If you have to do this – and let’s face it, we all “have” to do this on occasion, and that “occasion” is usually a random Saturday night – just remember one simple bit of folk wisdom: “Beer before liquor, you’ve never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” I believe Jesus said that.
You shouldn’t smoke anyway, but no one wants to hear that shit. I’m not your mom. But smoking really does make a hangover worse. I know that sounds like some jerk-off scare tactic dreamed up by the same people who put out those wretched anti-smoking commercials everyone hates, but it’s true. Here, let me drop some science.
When you drink, one of the primary reasons a hangover develops is because of something called Acetaldehyde, which is a bi-product of ethanol, and is 10-30 times more toxic than just plain old alcohol. Good times! Anyway, Acetaldehyde is what causes your body to flush when you’re drunk, and also causes inflammation, which is why you feel like shit in the morning.
How does this relate to smoking? Well, tobacco companies, because they’re assholes, put this shit into your cigarettes. That’s right, every time you smoke, you’re inhaling that same garbage that causes your hangovers in the first place. Look, anytime you can avoid putting more of anything that ends in “aldehyde” into your body, you should, umm, you should probably do that. That’s just a rule I have.
Don’t Drink the Dark Stuff
I know you will anyway, and good for you. Responsible drinking is a disgrace. But if you really, really want to avoid a shitty hangover, you should probably drink vodka instead of that demon whiskey. That’s because dark liquors contain a ton of toxic compounds (including our old friend, Acetaldehyde.) Basically, dark liquors are “dark” because there’s more shit in them, while clear liquors are clear because, well, they don’t. It’s simple: less garbage going into your body = less of a monster hangover.