West Virginia Woman Arrested For Biting Off Pit Bull’s Testicles Seems Like A Fun Chick To Party With

UPDATE: This is a fake story. But just because some boobies are fake, doesn’t mean they’re not fun to play with.

Nailed the picture, looks great.

Audrey Ranch, a 62-year-West Virginia resident, has been arrested by biting off the nads of her son’s pit bull. Like with her mouth.

Ranch was furious with her son after he ate all the meat in the house, like a fucking savage. Ranch told police, “My son ate all the meat and I had warned him if he ate all the meat, I’d eat his dog.”

Seems like a fair, measured trade-off. Son eats a leftover hot dog out of the fridge, you sever a body part off his pet. Another option may be to just tell him to go get some more meat. I’m just going to put that tip in the suggestion box and you can do with it as you please.

“Eventually she bit Pedro’s acorns clean off right there in the front yard,” a witness said. “Pedro hightailed it screeching like a wild Indian and when I tried to subdue Audrey, she knocked me out with an old tricycle.”

‘Acorns,’ love it. Only in West Virginia would an old tricycle just be lying around the yard at your disposal. I guarantee there were dolls with their eyes ripped out strewn across the property, too.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more ratchet, she buries herself alive.

When Mrs. Ranch realized that the police were on their way, she knew she had 45 minutes (West Virginia!) before they arrived for her to figure out an escape plan. So she cut off a length of a garden hose, dug a hole and had her son help bury her. She used the garden hose as a breathing apparatus. I can’t tell if this is the dumbest or most ingenious plan ever.

When officers from the Boone County Sheriff’s Office arrived, they noticed the earth moving a bit and the severed garden hose peering out of the grass. They unburied Ranch and arrested her without incident. So ya, dumbest plan ever.

The dog underwent emergency surgery and is expected to make a full recovery. Ranch is facing charges of aggravated animal cruelty.

[H/T Stuppid]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.