BroBible’s Worst Places on Earth: The Apple Store
You’re going to have to spend decent money on people who cause you mental harm and are just going to re-gift your thoughtful presents a few short days later. Take it from BroBible: One of the places you should avoid buying these gifts at during the holidays at all costs — and forever, for that matter — is the Apple Store.
All right, all right, all right. Hypocrisy Alert: I’m writing this column on a MacBook Pro, I own two or three generations of the iPod, have an iPad, and spend countless hours twiddling my iPhone. But one can own and operate Apple items without having to ever set foot in one of its hell-on-earth outlets.
The Apple Store — no matter what time of the season you go to it — is absolutely jam-packed full of people you go out of your way to avoid: tech geeks, emos, children, old people, babies, the homeless. (Around Christmastime, those people could all be wearing little Santa hats, too.) And then, of course, there are the store’s workers. Usually, they’re too-well-dressed hipsters with black-rimmed glasses who call you “sir.” Earth to Apple: The only time you should ever be called “sir” is if you outrank somebody in the military. The rest of the time, it’s just fucking moronic. Or you’re Marcie from Peanuts.
Second, the Apple Store’s Open Door Policy compels throngs of people to just go there and hang out. They just stand around grazing like cattle at the test-computer stations checking their email — maybe even thumbing through Girls pics on BroBible. So if you’re in there trying to buy something, you’re getting blocked by hundreds of other bodies that are just taking up space. Remember when that bully in high school used to yell at the fat kid, “You’re a waste of space!” Well, he might’ve been onto something.
Lastly, the Apple Store is mostly full of stuff that’s too expensive to be defined as a “gift” anyway. I’m sorry, but if you’re buying a $400 iPad Mini, $500 iPad Air, $1,299 MacBook Pro for Christmas, you’re not generous. You’re either a serial money-waster-a-holic or you’re a step-dad trying to make inroads with his new wife’s children. You realize that somebody’s going to spill milk — literally, spill fucking milk! — on any one of those items within a week of purchase, it’s going to short out, and you’re going to be down anywhere from $400-$1,299, because you waived the insurance on it. “Oh, who needs the AppleCare Protection Plan anyhow?” That iPad Mini sure did before Milk 2.0 hit it and quit it!
So the next time you think about stepping foot in an Apple Store, just remember what your bros at BroBible said: Don’t do it. It ain’t worth it.
[Apple Store image via ShutterStock]