Disclaimer: My intent is not to validate or invalidate the claim made by a woman named Kacie Dingess against Mr. Baker Mayfield in which she claims to have given him a beamer in the parking lot of your Aunt Blythe’s favorite Cheesecake chain.
I withhold all judgement over the allegations of Mr. Mayfield not even purchasing the young lady a slice of Mango Key Lime cheesecake for her efforts, while also acknowledging that the product offering is just divine and a small price to pay for a parking lot blowie and a lifetime of trauma.
My goal is to separate the art from the artist, and provide you at home with some zany, out-of-the-box Valentine’s Day date ideas that she’ll just die for. Just consider me Cupid, and the only thing I have in common with Baker is that we are prone to having our pants off in public while holding our rods.
So without further ado, this year’s 6 Creative Valentine’s Date Ideas She’ll Love!
Come for the wings, stay for the 45 minute fight over your wandering eye.
At least if your relationship ends at Hooter’s you can leave your number for the waitress and hope she’s into guys who drank enough to kill a healthy walrus and left a 12% tip.
5. A Toledo, Ohio Rest Stop Bathroom:
“Brown poop stains on the light,
People shitting siiiide-by-side.
As your urine stream crosses mine.
That man’s pony tail may come alllliiive.”
If your love can make it here, it can make it anywhere.
4. Your Parents’ Bedroom:
Because nothing says ‘I love you‘ like the faint smell of your father’s taint.
3. The San Quentin State Penitentiary
Nestled cozily in a nook in the San Francisco Bay, this romantic getaway will put couples’ bond to the test with an Escape The Room challenge followed by a game of ‘What the Fuck Am I Eating?’ Matching face tattoo services available for VIP guests.
2. The Place Where Her Family Dog Died Tragically
Demonstrate how you share in her pain by bringing her to the site of where poor Roscoe passed. The pooch didn’t even see it coming and was hit by a black Escalade making a turn on two wheels into a Cheesecake Factory parking lot. Gone but not forgotten.
1. Cheesecake Factory Parking Lot
The only thing more romantic than a date at the Cheesecake Factory, is a date directly outside it. You simply don’t get an authentic Factory experience without huffing in the toxic fumes omitted from the outdoor exhaust outlets.
A little personal secret: sometimes when my wife and I are on the rocks, I drive my Sebring down to the Cheesecake Factory parking lot and smoke cigarettes just to feel what life could be like if I left her.