We could be talking furries (sorry again, furry bro), or we could just be talking open-minded ladies high off BCS success, looking to experiment with someone a little more cuddly. Given all of these teams are in a major bowl game, all the mascots are getting their felt/fur wet—but here’s how the rankings break down:
1. Sparty – Michigan St.
Ever seen 300? I’ve never done more inspired sit-ups than the thirty minutes after I watched that film. I hear chicks like abs. A strong, silent type, he definitely can make any babe feel protected. He also can legitimately talk about chivalry and honor in a more credible way than anyone on this list, and I imagine he makes a lot of points with simply a stern look/nod that earn quite a few make-outs. Sparty’s got to have some pretty magical hands after all that sword work as well, and he’s got unlimited roses to give out in Pasadena.
2. Aubie the Tiger – Auburn
SEC equals SEX. Aubie is the conference champ and a pretty damn good-looking tiger. Cat ladies are frisky, and I hear the babes of The Village like to get down. The Tiger Walk gives him serious visibility and the chance to make eyes, and Toomer’s Corner provides nice mummy role play opportunities. Auburn’s played in some insane games this year, which has to have led to passionate, emotional roller coaster make-outs. Things have undoubtedly also gotten weird with Barkley’s posse.
3. Boomer – Oklahoma
He isn’t named Boomer just for shits and gigs. The ‘ol hung like a horse thing has to go a schlong way, and he pulls around his own personal Conestoga wagon, the Sooner Schooner, for when things get sexy outside the ranch. Boomer HAS to absolutely slay with women that didn’t get their birthday pony, too.
4. Knightro – Central Florida
Chivalry is not dead, ladies. Who doesn’t get aroused by a little dinner and tournament? He’s a knight for fuck’s sake and his mysteriousness has to drive the Florida chicks nuts. Simply put, Knightro puts the ass in mascot.
5. Big Al – Alabama
Big Al is feeling pretty vulnerable right now, which usually works pretty well with the co-eds. His trunk has been buried in Yuengling for the last week, and there’s no doubt he’s gotten some hazy sympathy love. I’ve seen a lot of ladies straddling elephants on Instagram, and Big Al is definitely the most rideable mascot on this list. “Big Al” has to have its advantages as a name, and if the Alabama “kicker” can pull Callie Smith, Al has to be doing pretty well himself.
6. Osceola – Florida St.
He’s got a big spear. Current events also lend to some nice conversation starters. He’s not quite as cuddle-able as some of the other fellas on this list, but the National Championship swagger he’s strutting with right now should help. Osceola’s trusty steed Renegade is a pretty fine looking horse (what babe doesn’t love horses?), and I imagine there’s room on that saddle for two.
7. Bruiser the Bear – Baylor
Given his diet of berries and foliage, he definitely does work with the vegans. I also picture him being the life of pre-Fiesta Bowl parties, dipping chips in con queso and throwing on some Katy Perry “This I How We Do.” Pretty hard not to get lost in those piercing blue eyes, too.
8. Stanford Tree
It’s Christmas season, which gives the Tree a leg up. It’s also finals time, and I imagine the brains at Stanford need to relieve some stress by getting some trunk. He probably smells the best of all the mascots (scent is the strongest scent tied to memory), and he probably has an intellectual rap the Stanford ladies dig.
The Tree is also technically a member of Stanford’s band (team doesn’t have an official mascot), and we all know band members are a little frisky.
But he is still a tree.
9. Clemson Tiger
Seems like a southern gentleman who’s very comfortable in his own fur, but it’s pretty tough to ignore those crazy eyes. As previously discussed, cat ladies are down for whatever, but unless they’re into heroin, the eyes might be impossible to look past.
10. Brutus – Ohio St.
Brutus isn’t a looker by any stretch. He’s extremely Family Guy-ish, (no doubt he could pull Meg, but not sure what else beyond that), so hopefully he has a similar sense of humor. Working with a BCS-quality Ohio State team has to help his chances—but he’s not pulling any robberies from the Clemson Tiger at the Orange Bowl parties. Ain’t nobody got time for that Big Ten Championship performance either.
Unless he can find girls really into helmet stickers, he’s SOL. Maybe Urban Meyer can help Brutus pull some strings…
Find Jake's BroBible archive here. You can also follow him on Twitter and check out his blog, Big Balls Ideas.
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