Hide Your Wife So She Doesn’t Leave You For This Bengals Fan Who Tattooed ‘Fire Marvin Lewis’ On His Thigh

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Hello, Broseph Gordon-Leavitt. Do yourself a quick favor and make sure your significant other isn’t in the room. Don’t ask questions, just trust me. Fart or something.

Ok, they out?


Because what I am about to show you will decimate your sex life for all eternity. Upon seeing the image below, your loved one will no longer be able to think about anything else when you’re thrusting half-heartedly above her. It’s the sexual equivalent of Emily Ratajkowski and Kate Upton riding tandem on a horse on a road that needs maintenance.

Folks, I present to you the “Fire Marvin Lewis Thigh Tattoo.”

Note the acronym cleverly spells out FML, which is obviously referring to Marvin Lewis still being employed by the Bengals and nothing to do with the fact the he inked ‘Fire Marvin Lewis’ on his thigh for all eternity.

Now, I’ve seen my fair share of ‘[Insert Shitty Team Here] Super Bowl 53 Champs’ tattoos, and as moronic as they are, I can understand that if [shitty team] won the Super Bowl, preemptively getting the tattoo would seem like a genius idea. But, for this guy, the BEST case scenario is the Bengals adhering to his wish and him having an outdated tattoo plastered on his leg until always.

He’d have to add a ‘D’ at the end of ‘Fire’ right? Then it would just be a statement: ‘Fired Marvin Lewis,’ just like ‘Bad Decisions Were Made’ or ‘Some People Should Not Be Allowed To Participate In Democracy.’

So I guess the best case scenario would be for this guy to step on an IED. God forbid.

P.S. Marvin Lewis has been Head Coach of the Bengals for 15 YEARS. He’s the all-time winningest coach in Bengals history but despite leading the team to five straight playoff appearances from 2011 to 2015, he has yet to lead them to a postseason win. Is Marvin Lewis the best shittiest coach of all-time? A study in contradictions, that man.

[h/t Terez Owens]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.