Here’s How Bill Belichick Would Respond To 10 Bits Of Wonderful News, Probably

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Throughout his 17-year head coaching tenure with the Patriots, Bill Belichick has uttered a total of 239 words in his interviews, not including scoffs, grunts, and mumbles. Bill Belichick stepping up to the podium to address the media is like Artie Lange doing standup at a feminist rally–the two go together like oil and water, like Tom Brady and trans-fat, like Aaron Rodgers and family reunions.

For years, analysts have been dumbfounded by Belichick’s disdain for the media. Some would argue that it’s the stupid fucking questions they ask. Others claim back in 1976, a sports beat reporter at his high school wrote he’d be better served as the team’s mascot. Whatever the reason may be, Belichick’s abhorrence for the media is as deep as a Jersey shore v-neck.

Lets investigate how Bill would respond if given news most of us would be doing backflips after hearing.

Hey Bill, you won’t believe this, but Alex Guerrero cured cancer!


Hey Bill, have you heard the joke about the broken pencil?


Nevermind, it’s pointless!


[Linda Holiday]: Bill, I solemnly vow to love you unconditionally for as long as we both shall live.
[Pastor]: Touching, Linda. Bill? 


Billy, check out this YouTube compilation of babies playing with puppies.

Cute, no?


[December 31st, 11:59 pm]



“Little Forrest, he’s doing just fine. About to start school again soon. I make his breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. I make sure he combs his hair and brushes his teeth every day. Teaching him how to play ping-pong. He’s really good. We fish a lot. And every night, we read a book. He’s so smart, Jenny. You’d be so proud of him. I am. He, uh, wrote a letter, and he says I can’t read it. I’m not supposed to, so I’ll just leave it here for you. Jenny, I don’t know if Momma was right or if, if it’s Lieutenant Dan. I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it’s both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there’s anything you need, I won’t be far away.”


*Cuts cake*

*Sees blue*

“It’s a boy!”


“Bill from New England…come on downnn. You’re the next contestant on ‘The Price is Right!'”


Morning, Bill. There’s no easy way to say this, but after numerous tests and X-rays, we have concluded that your heart is entirely black and incapable of love, empathy, and compassion. 

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Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.