I’m not much of a gambling man—unless you consider me doing stupid things while drunk risky—but I know a lot of you bros are. Whether that means throwing down a couple hundo in a parlay while in Vegas, playing in a one-week fantasy football league or casually challenging your buddies in something head-to-head, guys like to compete in anyway possible.
When you lose that bet, though, sometimes funny shit happens—like this 22-year old Doctorate of Physical Therapy student named Ronnie Green, who shared his story with The Tab about his hilarious gambling experience.
So, here’s how it went down for ol’ Ron Ron, according to his Tab piece.
It was last year, during my senior year at Penn State, when a group of my closest friends and I decided to add a wager to our Fantasy Football league.
That wager stipulated that whoever came in last out of the 10 friends in the league would have to re-take the SAT at the high school we graduated from, while the rest of the league tailgated prior to the test by drinking heavily in a celebration with the loser.
If the loser took the test and got a total of 1000 or higher when all three sections were added together, the rest of the league would pay $50 to cover the cost of the test.
OK, so not a bad way to go there. Loser of the league is summoned to take a test that 16-year-old kids do, making this fantasy football loser feel like an ashamed high-schooler again, I dig it.
Ronnie continues, saying:
Around 5am, while we were all still passed out, a friend and member of The Beer Fantasy Football League made a 45-minute drive in order to tailgate the SAT in the morning. He arrived at my house, shook me awake, reminded me I have to take the SAT in 2 hours and quickly all 10 guys were up and at it, tailgating in my front yard prior to a sure to be excruciating 5 hour test.
That morning consisted of a mixture of Natural Light, Fireball, a little bit of Jameson and a lot of laughs. Soon it was 7:30am and we were all scrambling to get out and arrive at the high school by the deadline my SAT ticket said I had to be there: 7:45am.
So dude went hard the night BEFORE and the morning OF his mock SAT test? Ronnie is a fucking beast.
I have a feeling this isn’t going to end well for him, though, with him continuing to talk about the essay he wrote in which he described why he was retaking the SATs to begin with, even referring to himself as hopefully becoming the “Tim Tebow of academics,” per Tab:
I don’t exactly remember what the essay question was and I’m assuming I probably did not answer correctly, but my essay had some solid quotes that were sure to bring a smile to whoever read it. Pretty sure at one point I said “I strive to be the Tim Tebow of academics.”
When all was said and done, Ronnie finished the five-hour test and did what any still drunk man would do, continued to drinking as he described the test to his buddies:
After the long 5 hours, I made the pride-less walk from the classroom to the high school courtyard, where I waited 20 minutes for my drunken friends to get their shit together and come pick me up.
When they got there, I jumped in the car, took a swig of Jack and demanded we immediately get Taco Bell.
I explained to my friends the best I could that those 5 hours were so exponentially and excruciatingly worse than anticipated. And then we rode off and celebrated in style: with cheap Mexican food.
And the greatly anticipated results of that epic day are finally in.
It appears that was a $50 investment in a once in a lifetime experience. Once being the operative word, I don’t think I’ll be retaking them anytime soon.
His results? Well, as you might imagine, he scored in the LOWEST PERCENTILE IN THE NATION!!!
That’s pretty funny, Ronnie, so I commend you holding up to your end of the bargain and going through with this drunken charade. You can read the entire fiasco of Ronnie’s drunken SATs on The Tab—and believe me, it’s enjoyable.
And this, bros, is why I don’t tend to gamble much.