Fried S’mOreos, Bacon Cotton Candy, Bacon Beer, Deep-Fried Corn On The Cob. 4 Yummy Reasons To Go To A Rangers Game

Usually these sorts of heart attack-inducing, gimmicky foodporn fare are offered by minor league baseball teams looking for free publicity and for something unique to draw fans like the Wilmington BlueRocks’ Krispy Kreme hot dog bun with a hot dog covered in bacon. However the Texas Rangers have stepped up to the plate with their insanely calorific and scrumptious sounding 2015 menu.

The new cuisine is called “State Fare,” inspired by the country food events that have been the birthplace of such culinary delicacies as deep-fried butter, deep-fried beer, deep-fried jelly beans and deep-fried Kool Aid.

This year the Ballpark in Arlington will serve a Fried S’mOreo, which is marshmallows hand-breaded in graham cracker crust that is deep-fried, mixed with two deep-fried Oreos on a skewer and drizzled with chocolate sauce and Cool Whip. That will cost $8 and comes with one free diabetic seizure.

Bacon-lovers are gonna cream in their greasy shorts when they head to a Rangers game this year and they see the “Just Bacon” stand. As the name suggests there ain’t no fucking kale here. There will be candied bacon coated in cinnamon and chili powder, maple bacon ale beer, bacon on a stick and bacon cotton candy. What, no bacon wrapped in bacon covered in a bacon grease sauce with a garnish of bacon bits?

Concessionaire Delaware North also has glorious funnel cake fries and a savory brisket macaroni and cheese balls. Mmmmmm cheesy balls.

But don’t fret health nuts there’s something for you, they have vegetables too. Corn on the cob and pickles. Both of which are… wait for it… deep-fried in a buttermilk fried chicken batter.

Fuck your peanuts and crackerjacks.