Here Are The Funniest, Most Ruthless Jokes From The Roast Of David Ortiz

by 10 months ago

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Prior to Friday night’s game against the Los Angeles Angels, the Boston Red Sox honored one of its most beloved athletes of all time by retiring the no. 34 jersey of Boston icon David Ortiz. Ortiz is the 11th player to have his number retired by the Sox, joining legends like Ted Williams and Pedro Martinez.

But, before Ortiz was lauded for his immense contributions during his 14 seasons with Boston, he was absolutely ripped to shreds by Boston-centric athletes and comedians at the Roast of David Ortiz at the House of Blues.

Bill Burr, Dustin Pedroia, and Rob Gronkowski headlined the roast, and we previously reported just how aggressive Gronk got with his jokes. Regardless of some jokes missing the mark and/or going overboard, there were some hilarious zingers shot at Ortiz and other Boston legends. No one was safe. Here are some of the most memorable jokes from the night, as transcribed by The Boston Globe.

“Where the fuck do you get off being honored when you only have three championships? Last I checked, Brady had five and he’s still playing. Imagine if you just ate a salad every once in a while.” — Bill Burr, on David Ortiz

“They were gonna make a bobblehead for Dustin Pedroia, but he refused to lay in the box long enough for them to make the mold.” — Josh Wolf, on Dustin Pedroia

“You’re an author of a best-selling book, and the biggest word in that book was ‘baseball.’ Now you’ve actually written one more book than you’ve read.” — Lenny Clarke, on David Ortiz

“You’ll have a reunion and see Pedro and Manny—and the team of ICE agents Curt Schilling called to deport all of you, because he’s a racist fuck.” — Josh Wolf, on David Ortiz’s retirement ceremony

“You look like the Dominican Babe Ruth, if he ate all the Baby Ruths. You look like a groundhog with a drinking problem. Seriously, I hope we raise some money tonight, and send it toward David’s diabetes problems. What’s that, ‘David doesn’t have diabetes’? Well he’s already running like they amputated a foot, so you tell me what’s going on.” — Adam Ray, on David Ortiz

“Every year, Gronk gets injured. Whether it’s breaking his arm or from pulling his back or from having a full-on seizure from trying to read the word ‘elephant.’” — Adam Ray, on Rob Gronkowski

“You’ve never seen Papi in shorts, and that’s scary. Motherfucker skipped leg day every day of the week. People wonder why he’s so slow to first base. I’m like, you try carrying 250 pound on two burnt popsicle sticks!” — Anthony Mackie, on David Ortiz

“Did you know a DH spends an average of 4.3 minutes a game actually doing something athletic? My mom’s Fitbit has more steps from a brisk mall walk than David notched in a fucking doubleheader. Oh, Papi, you’re an inspiration to overweight beer league softball players everywhere.” — Rob Gronkowski, on David Ortiz

Congrats to David Ortiz and good luck going to trial with Curt Schilling’s deportation lawyers.

[h/t The Boston Globe]

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