Reason #1,281,931 To Avoid The Jacksonville Jaguars’ In-Stadium Pool: This Guy Fondling His Junk In The Shallow End

In theory, the Jacksonville Jaguars’ in-stadium pool–oh sorry, “FanDuelVille Smart Pharmacy Spa Cabana”–is a solid concept. Jacksonville is hotter than the devils’ asshole after Indian food and fans have the novelty of assisted suicide by drowning themselves after another Blake Bortles’ interception.

Up to 200 fans who have shelled out a minimum of $225 to contract Zika get access to the lounge area, which includes relaxing lounge furniture, TVs, and all-inclusive food and beverage, and America’s largest in-stadium toilet. The pool is only three feet deep, which if your meat popsicle hangs below your knees like mine, you should be fine to take a leak in it while standing up. You may have to do a wall sit.

Chicks, man.

For those who aren’t strong swimmers, the pool is staffed with a lifeguard for the entirety of the game, who may be able to help save you but will likely be of no use when trying to resurrect the Jags’ season.

Check out the kid poking his brain in the center of the pool.

During yesterday’s Jags 19-17 loss to the Ravens in which they squandered field position and pissed the game away, a Jags fan forgot that the glass pane to the pool is see-through and executed the duel adjust the bathing suit/jingle the johnson one-two punch that no amount of chlorine can erase.

I’d rather be thrown in shark infested waters wearing a seal suit that dip my toe in that toxic tank.

[h/t Busted Coverage]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.