Jared Allen Just Announced His Retirement From The NFL In The Most Bro Way Possible


In the latest surprising retiring announcement from the NFL, 33-year-old defensive end Jared Allen is hanging up his cleats after a stellar 12-year career. The former fourth round pick out of Idaho State has been to five Pro Bowls, has been named first team All Pro four times, and holds the sack record for the Minnesota Vikings with 22.

One of the flashier NFL personalities, the Texas native had a huge impact off the field–taking a tour in Iraq in 2009 to visit with military troops, deeming the experience “the best experience of my life, something I will never forget.” The experience prompted him to start his own charity, he Jared Allen’s Homes for Wounded Warriors, focused on building handicapped-accessible homes for severely wounded military personnel.

It comes as no surprise that one of the biggest bros in the NFL bro out on his retirement announcement.


Farewell, Jared. You’ll be missed.

P.S. I take back the headline. As my colleague Cass Anderson pointed out, it can’t be the most Bro announcement ever if he’s not spearing a fucking elk.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.