JaVale McGee Resurrects The Rat Tail In A Confusing New Haircut That I Don’t Even Know How To Classify

Rat tails are a dying breed nowadays. Inexplicably, fewer and fewer men are choosing the haircut that attracts endless female attention and high-paying jobs for the boring “grown up cut.”

For those who need a refresh, a rat tail is an anorexic mullet. It is a 6-8 inch hairy slither of rebellion and the best way of saying “hey society, I’m going to sit this one out” or “I’m living with my grandma while my parents are in prison.” It’s a long, wiry reminder that you’re still unemployed. It’s the human version of a rabbits’ foot, only difference being when stroked it only brings bad luck. Numerous scholarly articles and scientific experiments have been done attempting to dissect the rat tails social currency. Studies from the University of Alabama indicate that sporting a rat tail is 99.9% successful in never having sex and a 88% chance that at any given time, there’s a visible snot in your left nostril.

Newly signed Warriors center JaVale McGee, in an attempt to redefine his career and make us forget all those boneheaded plays he made in Washington, has resurrected the rat tail and added a modern twist.

The never before seen triple-tail spiral. The first of its kind. Truly remarkable. I dig it.

#All Tails Matter.

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[h/t FTW]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.