Pro Football Focus Writer Claims Malcolm Butler Missed Curfew, Got Caught With Weed, And Spazzed Out On Coaches

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The morning after the Patriots let their sixth Super Bowl victory slip away, Patriots Nation is looking for an answer to the question to the elephant in the room: Why did Malcolm Butler, one of the defensive pillars, not play one defensive snap the entire game? Why, after playing 98 percent of the defensive snaps to this point, did that percentage plummet to zero? WHY? WHY? WHY?

We’re not going to get an explanation that adequately fits the crime from the famously curt Bill Belichick. Defensive coordinator Matt Patricia wouldn’t spill the beans after being drilled with nine straight questions on the matter.

The coaches have insulted our intelligence with feeding us a load of shit that Butler didn’t fit the team’s “scheme” for the game. They thought they’d ride out the personnel they had on the field, even after Nick Foles cut through them like warm butter. Not adding up.

Now, a Pro Football Focus writer named Joey Cartolano claims to have a possible explanation for Butler’s absence. Or at least one that makes the most sense.

Ok, lets not take this testimony as gospel. There are some loose ends here. How could Minnesota law enforcement possibly know that Butler had a meltdown on coaches? Did they follow him into a team meeting? If something to this degree happened, why would the coaches even activate him for the game?

You know how the family of a victim always wants to lock up the suspect even after overwhelming evidence comes to light that exonerates him? They need to believe he’s the perpetrator because if he’s not, they are back at square one in finding the truth. I’m at this point with the Butler saga. I need to believe that he missed curfew because he took a huge bong rip to the face and went ballistic on coaches. Hell, we’ve all had panic attacks after bong rips.

I need to believe this because I was beginning to subscribe to the notion that Butler tried to bone Linda Holliday.It’s amazing where the mind can go when trying to rationalize the irrational.

JOEY STICK TO YOUR CONVICTIONS. FOR ME!

At the very least, if this report is fake, maybe it will lure the Patriots organization out to tell us the truth. Perception is everything.

 

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.