NFL Fashion Review Week 15: Russell Wilson Looked Ready To Dodge Bullets In ‘The Matrix’

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The final results of Week 15 confirmed a few key things for football fans. First, the NFC East “champion” will in fact finish with a record under .500, which is such a stunner that if I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be any more surprised than I am right now. It also confirmed that despite an Eagles loss, a continually thriving Jalen Hurts has made for a reportedly very unhappy Carson Wentz. Very upsetting! Finally, the major takeaway is that we learned the Bills are all the way back.

Since it’s been so long, I never realized how great of a thing it is for the NFL — and fans across the board — when the Bills are a legitimately good team. Just based on the video above, I’m fully aboard the #BillsMafia Super Bowl train.

It’s easier to see on Tua’s helmet, but were you aware that NFL QBs who hail from Hawaii have the “808” area code spelled out on their facemasks? Specifically, the bars of said facemasks. Depending on how much coffee you’ve had, this may take a second or two. I was initially looking everywhere except where I was supposed to be looking. Again, the bars. Anyway, pretty cool, subtle shoutout to home.

George Kittle Update: George is still being George and his man-bun has never looked more refined.

But enough of all that. Without further ado, whether it was fire, fierce, funny or fail, it’s clown car time. So let’s jump right into the fray with the passion of this young dynamo!

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Patrick Mahomes

I’m not sure if Patrick Mahomes looks like a seasoned tactical assassin who’s always delivered on the ordered actions or if he’s the one at the top doing all the adroit planning and doling out the orders. Either way, when your shades match the color of your leather shoes, you are in rarefied air.

Tom Brady

A white t-shirt peeking out from underneath the button-down? What is this, 1996? The Florida factor is clearly taking its toll and moving there is officially the worst thing Tom Brady has ever done.

Andy Dalton

I don’t have the exact numbers handy, but Andy Dalton has eclipsed Tom Brady’s “great hair day” streak and it’s probably been eclipsed for quite some time now. Unstoppable. Gonna have to deduct some points for the bacon-necked t-shirt, though. Sad.

Russell Wilson

Russell Wilson is peaking at just the right time and — as is the case every year — the Seahawks are not a team I would wanna face under any circumstances, including at Lambeau Field when it’s 70 degrees below zero. The guy looks like he’s about to kick Neo’s ass and then take care of John Wick too, just to drive home the message.

Baker Mayfield

Baker Mayfield seems to finally be putting it all together while at the same time looking younger in the process. Remember this last year? He quickly aged to a guy selling shower curtain rings but has since flipped the script and is currently aging backwards. Amazing turn of events.

Quincy Williams!

Jags linebacker Quincy Williams going with some shiny dangling nipple ornaments simply could not miss. Also got that fireplace going strong and the stocking hanging from the mantel, along with some serious tinsel thrown in. He’s a walking Christmas morning.

Justin Herbert

Justin Herbert has not only thwarted off a terrible haircut with great bravery to continue playing lights out football, he’s also allowed his face to make an expression, his very first of the season.

Deshaun Watson

A bunch of clothes fell out of the sky and landed on Deshaun Watson.

DK Metcalf

DK Metcalf’s outstanding hair is now three different colors, making for what we can only assume has become a deeply distraught Jarvis Landry. However, if it’s not transformed to a glowing green and red split come next weekend, I’m gonna be PISSED.

Jamal Adams

Jamal Adams mistook a random sidewalk for a runway in Milan. Understandable mistake. Nonetheless, if you’re not wearing a padded vest over your jacket and if your jeans don’t fall short of your ankles by a good five feet, Jamal Adams wants nothing to do with you.

JuJu Smith-Schuster

JuJu has been a next-level maniac recently, even by his standards, and when you take a look at some of his fits it all adds up. The alien logo is especially perfect given the shot he took from Vonn Bell that sent him to another planet. But check out some of this other shit.

Dude’s ready to hit the slopes with Lloyd and Harry and Mary Samsonite. Simply amazing.

Right here is where I’ll take a rare moment to mention fantasy football and the 2.5 points JuJu gave me that did precisely nothing. Not great! The noted “CRAFTSMANSHIP” needs significant improvement.

DeAndre Hopkins

DeAndre’s weird shoes that look like a hybrid of Crocs and those creepy feet-gloves still manages to work for him. Have no idea how this guy does it.

Derrick Henry

Derrick Henry put it all together with a leopard print hoodie, leopard print patches on the jeans, and a pair of AJIII Animal Instincts to complete the circle. Symbolism at its finest for the guy who put together another herculean effort, running for 147 yards and a TD.

Ben Roethlisberger

Big Ben is not exactly what one might call “inventive” off the field. The guy wears the same outfit every week just like Aaron Rodgers does, but what better way to sum up such a dreadful performance than to pick your nose while reporters are asking you questions? Excellent artistry on display here.

Lamar Jackson

Lamar Jackson has given up fashion and taken his talents to winning football games. Also, it looks like he might have to POOP. Sorry, had to do it. #PoopGate

Kyler Murray

Kyler Murray’s flannel looks like it was rescued from the aggressive teeth of a vengeful paper shredder and yet, for reasons unknown, I love it.

John Lynch?

Niners GM John Lynch, now modeling for that catalog your dad got in the mail last week.

Matt Ryan

Matty Ice’s transformation into Matty Meetings is low key one of my favorite pivots of the season. The dude just embodies the feel of the most unintentionally annoying person at a status meeting to the point it’s become endearing.

Cam Newton

Cam Newton landed in Miami with all things Miami emanating from his every pore. Amazingly, this is probably one of his most understated fits of the season. The price for that unbelievably great shirt? Your life. But that hat with the fluffy ferret hanging from it, however, is NOT up for negotiation.

Kirk Cousins

Is it possible that the blazer being worn by Kirk Cousins isn’t even a blazer at all and instead continues to widely expand — as it’s doing in the photo — into an unconventional bathrobe that goes down to his ankles? Because there’s something wrong with this jacket and it’s quite easy to suspect something is amiss thanks to the person wearing it, who just so happens to be a founding father of #TeamElectricFactory.

J.J. Watt

A great example of the less is more approach and also a great example of a jacket making the entire outfit cook.

Mark Glowinski?!?

Focused Colts lineman Mark Glowinski went with the impossible to dislike “All Is Calm, All Is Dwight” Christmas sweater. Yes, the ugly Christmas sweater trend is as tired as it gets. But no, this is not one of them because it’s not even ugly. It’s beautiful.

Aaron Rodgers

Aaron Rodgers ditched the neck gaiter in favor of a mask for the first time in what feels like years. Really changing things up! As for the tweet below, ya’ gotta relax, Packers. This getup is one of the furthest things from swaggy in this entire rundown.

Teddy Bridgewater

Confirmed: It could be 2020, 2030 or 2040 and it just doesn’t matter. Teddy Bridgewater will always look like a happy-go-lucky teenager talking about video games or some shit.

Marcus Mariota!

Conversely, Marcus Mariota had the disposition and general look of an assistant coach trying to explain what went wrong with special teams. This is not exactly ideal for a guy who just turned 27-years-old.

Chase Claypool

I don’t care what the trends say or what your friends say, please do not ever roll your jeans like this. All you need to do is take one look at Claypool to know it’s a mess. Simply put, just not a look that will ever make sense on a dude. Sorry*, but facts are facts and that’s a fact. [*Not really sorry]

Mecole Hardman

As the kids say, Mecole Hardman with the drip. What a combo he has going here with the cream and maroon, but I just can’t get past that “LIV” Super Bowl chain. It’s OK to be petty (and bitter).

Colt McCoy!

OK, at this point I think we can confirm it’s a mandate from Giants brass to capture the starting QB — whoever it may be — in a “deer in headlights” expression and always, always use that as the freeze-frame for the vid. No other explanation. In other news, that’s some immaculate beard trimming by the great Colt McCoy.

Sammy Watkins

Chiefs WR Sammy Watkins rocking Saints colors as K.C. headed to New Orleans in their endless quest to steal some souls. The Chiefs receiving core is as bold as they come.

Nick Mullens!

Nick Mullens predictably brought the heat and his field trip slip was signed by his mom, so he was unfortunately allowed to play in Dallas.

Tyrann Mathieu

That touch of blue on those Jordan IIIs had the Honey Badger putting everyone else in a coffin.

Sam Darnold

What’s this? There’s no way this is a freeze-frame of Sam Darnold smiling. Refuse to believe this actually happened. Will need further evidence for this case to move forward.

Haason Reddick

If you’re not wearing a giant chain that houses your initials, what are you even doing with your life?

Antonio Brown

AB! Holy shit. Antonio’s been so quiet and under the radar since signing with Tampa, he had to be included just so that could be mentioned. No one on the planet — and that includes every single player on the Bucs — saw this one coming. Good for him.

Dez Bryant

We got Antonio Brown out there in stealth mode and Dez Bryant back in the NFL catching touchdowns. Genuinely happy for the guy and also extremely jealous of that “X” chain. #ThrowUpTheX

Stefon Diggs

Stefon Diggs seemingly requests that a photoshoot be conducted every three days but at least this one was for the (digital) cover of ESPN The Magazine. The kicks definitely call for an “oh what are thoooose?”

Drew Lock

Drew Lock conducted his press conference in full uniform as though he were watching the other team’s offense move down the field with ease. An interesting cat for sure.

Marvin Jones

Well god damn, Marvin Jones just dunked on EVERYONE. That’s gotta be up for suit of the year and Marvin’s gotta be up for a trade to South Beach.

Shaquill & Shaquem Griffin

These two are like Mario and Luigi and I love it.

Chase Young & Thomas Davis Sr.

This is the greatest accidental ad for Gucci I’ve ever seen. They should be buying ad placements in publications as we speak.

DeMarcus Lawrence

It’s always someone and this week it was DeMarcus Lawrence with ALL GUCCI EVERYTHING.

Laremy Tunsil

Texans lineman Laremy Tunsil’s IG handle is King Tunsil. ‘Nuff said.

Trent Williams

This week’s installment of — *cue Dr. Dre voice* — “Welcome to Death Row” has been brought to you by Trent Williams.

Carlos Dunlap

The caption says “Business trip” and of all photos to choose from, the Seahawks went with Carlos Dunlap looking like he’s about to hit the third bar on the pub crawl. ‘Tis the season.

Calvin Ridley

Strongly believe Calvin Ridley quickly spotted the team photographer and purposely fiddled with his collar long enough so his photo would be taken in front of his car. The flex game knows no bounds.

Mo Alie-Cox

Let’s go ahead and pretend Mo didn’t actually decide to wear those cargo pants and instead concentrate on the Kid Cudi “Entergalactic” hoodie.

Allen Lazard

Lavish Lazard. The Packers social media team finally did something right. Also another solid example of putting the “less is more approach” to great use.

Taylor Decker

Lions offensive lineman Taylor Decker also doubles as a featured stop at the Hollywood Wax Museum in Detroit. Seriously, what in the hairy hell is going on here?

Trai Turner

Trai Turner’s jacket is fucking awesome. Don’t bother telling me the price — that would ruin the spirit of gifting — just put it under the damn Christmas tree. Please and thank you.

Mack Hollins

Step 1. Mack Hollins appears to be wearing… a giant bedsheet?
Step 2. Mack Hollins busts out of the sheet as… Afro Luffy? Sure. Even though I’m not entirely sure what that means, he absolutely knocked it out of the park. Now, as for Step 3…

… this is Mack Hollins as Steve Austin last week and I just can’t say enough about it. Best kept secret in the NFL is no longer a secret. What an instant treasure that must be protected at all costs.

Blake Martinez

Blake Martinez looks like a Giants season ticket holder about to meet up with Jimmy, Joey, Vinnie and the other Vinnie.

Mike Williams

Those pants, man. NOPE.

Isaac Rochell

How is there NOT a huge joint between the fingers of Chargers defensive end Isaac Rochell? The expression here fits the bill so incredibly well it’s almost as if the Chargers removed it from the photo before posting to IG.

Bill Belichick

The Patriots got knocked out of playoff contention for the first time in 73 years and Bill Belichick looked ready to rob a bank. And that sounds about right because he’s about to fleece the hell out of someone in the offseason. This shit ain’t happening again.

In Case You Missed It…

Just a wild but ultimately touching scene at Pete Carroll’s postgame press conference. Gotta love the spirit.

And how about Aqib Talib’s announcing debut? By all accounts, it appears to have gone over exceedingly well from all angles.

That’s a wrap for now…

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Happy Holidays!