5 Reasons To Be Pissed That You Missed ‘Raw’ Last Night

Raw is live from Albany, NY, home of…people from Albany?

Here are the five most important moments from the show and then a complete recap.

Fandango’s face of joy from enjoying his character again

Fandango defeats Curtis Axel. The crowd is happy to have the ol’ Fandango back and by the look on Fandango’s face, he is too. Fandango picks up the quick win over Axel and there’s a botch by WWE production and they play Fandango’s salsa music. I’m pretty sure Vince was in the back saying, “Play the salsa music. PLAY IT! Make Fandango remember that I can take this all away from him again just like that!!”

Kane gets fired up! (no pun intended)

John Cena United States Championship Open Challenge. John Cena explains who Rusev is just in case anyone watching is new. Then he explains in order to win the Russian Chain Match, you have to touch all four corners of the ring in succession while being chained to your opponent. Kane answers the open challenge and doesn’t lay down for Cena like he did for Rollins last week. John Cena beats Kane and retains the US Title.

Randy Orton RKO’s Heath Slater through a table of salads


Seth Rollins is getting too big for his britches

Rollins spent most of the night throwing his weight around in the back before throwing his weight into a sick RKO off the cage.

Rusev digs a chain into Cena’s nostrils

As for the rest of the show….

Raw kicks off with a steel cage being lowered over the ring, but the traditional “Cage Lowering Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun” music never played, so did it really ever lower? Randy Orton makes his way to the ring and talks about the RKO is banned at Extreme Rules and how he doesn’t need it to win because Randy will now be able to enjoy destroying Seth Rollins slowly. Randy talks about all the things he’s going to do to Seth, like break his jaw, kick him in the gut, and pull him around by his little blonde streak in his hair. Seth Rollins interrupts with The Lollipop Guild because NO ONE talks about the little blonde streak in his hair!! NOT EVEN RANDAL! Seth smugly plays down Orton’s plan to let us all know that he’s going to be the best WWE Champion of all time. Randy cuts off Seth and explains that the RKO may be banned on Sunday, but it’s not banned tonight, so Orton plans on RKO’ing everyone backstage and then he plans on RKO’ing Seth Rollins before Raw ends. Basically, by the end of Raw, there should be 104 new RKO Out Of No Where Vines.

Dean Ambrose VS Luke Harper: In another installment of The Battle of 2 Guys Who Dress Like My Uncle Joe! Luke Harper says he doesn’t know why Dean Ambrose isn’t afraid of him but after tonight, he will be! I’m not sure why some people are tired of Harper & Ambrose fighting. These 2 are really charismatic brawlers who take their characters very seriously. The brawl goes into the crowd, up the ramp, onto the stage, until Harper throws Ambrose off the stage and disappears. Ambrose stands tall at the end of the segment HOPEFULLY setting up a Street Fight at Extreme Rules? Color me interested if that happens!

Backstage, Seth Rollins and J&J Security are sneaking around to make sure they don’t run into Randy Orton. Titus O’Neil sneaks up from behind and seal barks at Rollins…probably causing Seth to pee a little. Rollins runs into Triple H and they discuss what has been going on with Kane lately. Trips says he’ll take care of it when Kane gets here. Seth also tells Triple H that he needs more security…apparently Seth just started paying attention to the show and realized J&J isn’t all that effective.

Lucha Dragons VS New Day: This match will determine who will face Cesaro & Tyson Kidd for the Tag Titles at Extreme Rules. The arena quickly fills with “New. Day. Sucks.” chants. The Lunchable Dragons are so fun to watch and the thought of them taking on Cesaro & Tyson Kidd makes me kind of giddy. The New Day are embracing the heel role of this match, finally. During this match, Randy Orton showed up to my apartment and RKO’d my Pug…he clearly wasn’t kidding when he said he was going to RKO EVERYONE tonight. Cesaro & Kidd are backstage watching the match between Lucha Dragons & Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. The Lucha Dragons both fly out of the ring and takes out The New Day, then in a strange turn of events, Xavier Woods plays the role of Hornswoggle and hides under the ring to hold Sin Cara’s leg to stop him from getting back in the ring resulting in a count out. As New Day celebrates, Randy Orton storms the ring and RKO’s Xavier Woods & Kofi Kingston. I TOLD YOU HE WAS TAKING THIS RKO EVERYONE THING SERIOUSLY!!

Triple H returns to tell us about the return of NXT…er, uhh, I mean Tough Enough. Seriously though, isn’t NXT basically Tough Enough? This whole thing seems kind of redundant. Triple H talks about how everyone dreams about being in WWE and how it’s time to find another person like Seth Rollins…again, isn’t that what NXT is for!?! Then he sings Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. I’m kidding. Kane shows up and tells Triple H that he’s been calling, sending texts, sending emails and holding a boombox out of Triple H’s window waiting for Triple H to respond about his issue with Seth Rollins. Kane puts in his two week notice which leads to Seth Rollins interrupting and says Kane is a loser and useless. Kane snaps and says that he’s responsible for everything that Seth Rollins has been handed. Kane says that The Authority could’ve made El Torito the WWE Champion if they wanted to. Triple H then makes Kane “The Guardian of the Gate” for the Steel Cage match at Extreme Rules. Which means Kane will be guarding the door of the steel cage. There is no Dana, only Zuul…er, I mean, Kane.

RELATED: Randy Orton Went On A RKO Rampage On ‘Raw’ — Here’s All Of Them Including The Sick RKO Off The Cage

Naomi VS Brie Bella: Let’s be honest, I dunno who WWE wants me to cheer for and neither do you. Who is a face Diva other than Paige? Lana!? She gets face reactions sometimes. TELL ME WHO TO CHEER FOR, WWE! Namoi picks up the win over Brie Bella in a match just long enough to make my ears bleed from Nikki Bella screaming “CMON BRIE” on commentary.

Roman Reigns comes out and says he doesn’t feel like talking (to the relief of the audience) and says he wants to fight. He calls out Big Show but instead gets Bo Dallas. Bo comes out and says the most venomous heel line in WWE history by saying the best Star Wars is Episode 1. Bo says that Reigns is a bust and that he is the Tim Tebow of WWE…but I don’t think Roman Reigns is a virgin. Reigns Superman punches Bo, followed with a spear and says that Reigns will be the last man standing on Sunday and “you can Bo-lieve THAT.”

Sheamus VS Zack Ryder: Sheamus does his own commentary while he fights Ryder and berates Ryder the whole time. Sheamus says that Ryder is just like everybody else and that he’s a pretender. Zack Ryder gets the most TV time he’s gotten in months and Ziggler rushes the ring and gives Sheamus the Zig-Zag. Sheamus hightails it to the back to rebraid his beard.

The Miz VS Damien Mizdow: “The Miz brand” is on the line during this match. If Damien Mizdow loses, he can always go back to being Magneto or Davy Crockett. Summer Rae costs Mizdow the match and The Miz gets to keep “The Miz brand.” Miz says that once again he’s The Miz, and he’s Awwwe….RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!

A Bray Wyatt cryptic message. Bray is like, “Yeah. I lost to Undertaker at Wrestlemania, IDGAF!” That’s what’s interesting and refreshing about Wyatt, his character doesn’t need wins and losses, he just needs chaos.

Ryback VS Adam Rose: In a SHOCKING turn of events, Adam Rose squashed Ryback under 3 minutes. JK! Ryback murdered Adam Rose then destroys a hot dog Rosebud and a banana Rosebud with a double Shell Shock. I know, I know! I’m surprised I get paid to type that sentence too.

THE MAIN EVENT — Dolph Ziggler VS Seth Rollins: This match is a great back and forth between these two! The Albany crowd seemed to start tiring out, but Rollins and Ziggler gave them a little shot of adrenaline for a second wind. Sheamus eventually makes his way to the ring to distract Ziggler so Rollins can pick up the win…without a Curb Stomp…BECAUSE WWE BANNED IT! Hash tag frowny face. Seth Rollins grabs a mic and says that he did what he said he was going to do and that he’s not afraid of Randy Orton. Triple H comes to the ring to talk up Seth Rollins, but Rollins cuts him off and talks about Kane again. Kane makes his way to the ring as the steel cage lowers around Seth Rollins while Triple H and J&J Security try to talk down Kane on the ramp. Randy Orton somehow teleports into the cage with Rollins and delivers an RKO.

Enjoy Extreme Rules everybody!!