There isn’t one person on the planet that hasn’t been Offseason Ryan Thiccpatrick.
Offseason Thiccpatrick is the dude who’s been in an industry for a decade and knows that his legacy is pretty much determined, so he strolls into work wearing a wrinkled untucked shirt from the bottom of the laundry bin and smelling of cigarettes and FunDip. He is the living, breathing reincarnation of the term ‘Fuck It.’ He puts the Bear in Bare Minimum. His spirit animal is animal crackers. He smokes a cigarette mid-sex. He brushes his teeth with Surge and washes it down with bacon fat. Thiccpatrick was kicked out of the Perkis System after Tony found a deli meat in his wooden leg of his bed. Fitzpatrick looks like the Brawny man with IPA bloat. Thiccpatrick looks like he ate all of his interceptions.
Ok, that last one was mean, and I apologize to Ryan. I hope he accepts my apology, just as he accepted obesity.
Last month, the Miami Dolphins the signed veteran quarterback to a two-year contract that is reportedly worth $11 million, and up to $20 million if incentives are achieved. The 36-year-old journeyman is primed to take over the starting role, as the Dolphins traded away Ryan Tannehill to the Titans.
Miami, this is your king.
Never change, Thiccmagic. Never change. Unless you’re instructed to by a medical professional.