During the men’s cycling road race on Saturday, a bunch of fans, or possibly stalkers, began running after the cyclists, but one spectator took the cake by continuing to sprint after the Olympians while screaming his face off like a banshee getting melted by acid.
Maybe this dude was attempting to win the gold in the beer olympics? Maybe he took too many of Lance Armstrong’s PEDs? Maybe this is the first stage of Zika? Like, this appears to be the first case of that virus in 28 Days Later, I Am Legend, and World War Z. Even the cyclists are like, did we sign up for one of those Zombie road races where we have to evade the living dead?
Frankly, I’m blown away that this is allowed to happen. Where’s security? Watching Miss BumBum tryouts? Getting waxes? Mistakenly ending up in brothels like the U.S. basketball squad?
But, my fear and paranoia about nutjobs dismantling a competition with boxcutters must be because I’m a prude American who (*in foreign accent) is so sensitive, says he lives free, but can’t truly be free, c’est la vie, living la vida loca, and all the other knocks on American culture. Hell, Hope Solo jokes about getting Zika on Instagram and now has to hear that shouted at her every time she touches the ball. Us crybaby Americans unable to accept that sh*t happens and if we die, we die. Alright, Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, settle down. ISIS got me twisted.
VIDEO: How to make a sandwich on a motorcycle…