A Gentle Reminder That Ocean Spray Cran Raspberry Is Preposterously Unhealthy

Before we get swept away in the feel-good vibes of Dogg Face’s viral skateboarding video, I just want to remind everyone that Ocean Spray Cran-Raspberry “juice” can kill you. Slowly, for sure. But eventually, inevitably, it will rot you from the inside out. First, you’ll lose your feet. Then your eyesight. Then your friends. Then your life. In no particular order.

According to its nutrition label, a cran raspberry serving size is eight ounces. That’s a small glass—33% less than your 12-ounce can of soda. But guess what? A 12-ounce can of Coke contains 39 grams of sugar. Which means an 8-ounce serving of Coke contains 26 grams of sugar. WHICH MEANS?

Cran Raspberry contains the same amount of sugar per serving as Coke. 

And surely, you wouldn’t drink a can of Coke and call it juice, right? Nobody would be that idiotic.

26 grams of sugar is just about two tablespoons of sugar. Imagine if you ordered a cup of coffee and the barrista scooped two tables of sugar in there. Do you know how much you’d have to stir that cup just to dissolve the sugar? And by the time you’re at the last sip, there’s SLUDGE at the bottom. Sugary sludge! Sure, when I was six, I would have loved that. But as an adult? Pass.

Cran Raspberry isn’t juice; it’s hummingbird food.

Now, for what it’s worth, Ocean Spray actually makes a 100% juice version of Cran Raspberry. No sugar added. It does contain 28 grams/serving of what we’d assume is natural sugar from the fruit, but nobody is drinking this healthy nonsense juice. Nobody. Wanna know how we know that? Because look at this bottle:

It looks like a coupon. That bottle screams charity walkathon. The cursive J is so elitist, so high-brow, like it’s reminding you to read multiple newspapers for a broader perspective. Not to mention the fruit pictured here is clearly riddled with maggot holes and tiny insects. Seriously, who designed this horror show? If your mom brought this home instead of the clean, colorful, reliable vessel which carries our trusted hummingbird fluid, you’d throw a damn fit. Kids at school would murder you. Might as well bring a thermos of bat blood in for lunch, freak.

America has enough cases of high blood pressure and heart disease already. The last thing we need right now is for Cran Raspberry sales to skyrocket on the heels of a viral video. Please, educate your children against buying this poison. And let’s get Dogg Face some water. Can’t imagine Ocean Spray will pay to rig that truck with hand controls because his feet are gone.