While summer is that magic time of year full of drunkenness and fun on weekends, the bulk of the hot months is spent slaving away at work and engaging in activities that cause men to sweat profusely.
For those men who earn a living in an climate-controlled office that’s a comfy 70 degrees at all times, this article may not speak to you at the volume of which it might for those blue-collar soldiers busting their asses in absurd working conditions and sweltering conditions.
There is no doubt that sweating is just a part of our existence in hot weather. We, as a society, have come to learn that showering more frequently and even applying extra deodorant is essential to keeping the body odor to a minimum during the summer months.
But most people often disregard the posterior when it comes to controlling high levels of perspiration. We are so busy trying to prevent armpit stains and to keep from smelling like a wet dog that we typically forget about giving ample attention to the spot where the sun don’t shine.
This can lead to a savage misstep in our daily hygiene.
These are the people who understand that if the proper steps are not taken before stepping out the door in the morning, their butts, taints, and balls are at dire risk of horrific swamp ass.
This unfortunate byproduct of working in the heat is known in some parts of the world as “monkey butt.”
It is the red, irritated results of sweating like a fiend all day in a pair of jeans, and it is so painful that it can bring even the biggest, baddest mofo on the job down to his knees.
Once the moisture starts to build up and the friction of the ass crack takes over, you are on a miserable trip to the land of swamp ass.
Unless you are wringing out your underwear every thirty minutes or so, significant redness is going to occur, maybe even some chafing, and walking by the end of the day is going to be a chore.
It is also possible, in some cases, that this soggy bottom can flare up and lead to infection. So, it goes without saying that we should try to prevent it at all cost.
How To Prevent Constant Butt Sweat
Tossing a handful of baby powder in your underwear before heading off to work was once a reliable method for keeping the old red ass from flaring up before noon. It also made for a solid couple of hours of laughs.
There is nothing funnier than a white cloud of smoke to let your co-workers know that you just farted.
Thankfully, scientific advancements have been made in the pursuit of dry asses.
There are now a variety of products on the market dedicated to keeping men from enduring the suffering that can come from a wicked case of chapped cheeks. It’s all in how you come out of the gate, so check out Anti-Monkey Butt Powder or Fresh Balls Lotion.
Applying these kinds of products before going to work will save you a shit ton of misery. But whatever anti-swap ass remedies you try, just remember that unscented antiperspirants are always the best route to go.
Don’t fuck around and only use any old generic deodorant stick on those sensitive areas. It could create a situation that worsens the irritation in spots that have already been rubbed raw.
There is now even moisture-wicking underwear. These life-saving garments allow the ass and all of its cohorts to breathe easier than say, conventional tighty whities. Under Armour, Hanes and even Fruit of the Loom has an excellent selection of products dedicated to maintaining dry nether regions.
Look for anything that is a cotton-synthetic blend. This fabric will allow your backside to breathe with ease.
Now, wearing breathable underwear might help keep monkey butt from spiraling out of control, but it might not prevent it from happening entirely. This is especially true if you are forced to wear them under jeans on the worksite.
In this situation, we recommend packing an extra pair so you can change drawers at some point in the day. Fuck yeah, a working man needs second shift skivvies!
Otherwise, the last part of the day is pure hell. But before you change, give your butt and balls a tune-up with a wet wipe (those moist towelettes from Buffalo Wild Wings work great) to clean the area and then slap on some of that powder or lotion to keep things arid for the rest of the day.
If It’s Already Too Late, Here’s What To Do
But guys, I fucked up and went to work without any protection. Now, my ass is on fire – what can I do?
Okay, the first thing you need to realize is this case of monkey butt is essentially just a diaper rash.
The first thing a guy should do is jump in the shower – if you can – and clean the area and dry it thoroughly.
In most cases, subsequently applying a nice layer of petroleum jelly or Neosporin will alleviate the irritation and allow the area to heal.
From that point, feel free to free-ball it out on the couch in front of a fan and watch television. It’s probably not a good idea to put on pants for a while.
If that swamp ass really did a number on you, it might be necessary to seek medical treatment. There are some antibiotic ointments that a doctor can prescribe that will help if your derriere has become infected.
Overall, prevention is the key here. Just keep the boys powdered and aired out and you’ll be just fine.
More From Mike:
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