NFL Network Reporter Jane Slater Reports How She Used Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Christmas Gift To Bag Him Cheating


Can you imagine going through all the trouble of cheating on your girlfriend–changing your mistress’s name in your phone, find time, lie to your girlfriend, lie to your side-piece, remember both lies, explain to your girlfriend why your Johnson smells like a Times Square sidewalk in July–only to get outed by a goddamn FitBit.

*Chazz Reinhold GIF* WHAT AN IDIOT!

So anyone on Twitter this week was reminded that humanity is just prep school monkeys throwing bananas at each other when the world engaged in an impassioned argument about the substance and implications of gifting your significant other a stationary bike. Real important stuff that will certainly combat the aliens at Area 51 doing two-a-days in preparation for battle.

In response to a man posting a photo of a Tiffany’s jewelry bag to avoid the “Is iT BeCaUsE I’m FaAaAt” talk with his wife, Sports Illustrated’s Albert Breer used his blue checkmark, which gives you the infallible superpower of thinking you’re take is the best take about everything, to remind us that his wife still fucks him.

Enter: NFL Network’s Jane Slater.

That’s her there with Pau Gasol.

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Helping our girl get over the hump last night

A post shared by Jane Slater (@janeashleyslater) on

Slater’s workout-centric gift from her now-ex ended in no sex. At least for her.

How many dudes do you think are sliding into Slater’s DMs with the “You deserve better!” hail marys? You’re taking infinity? K, I’ll take the over.

P.S. I would read binge-read this book, and the last book I read was Cat in the Hat.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.