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Okay, so you get a call at around 8:30 in the morning from a nice-sounding lady named Rita. She’s from the human resources department of that one company you’ve been trying to get a job with for the past month. It’s a high paying position, and without it, you’re going to have to move back in with your parents.
She explains that everything checked out with your references and blah, blah, blah, the only step left to take before offering you the position is a pre-employment drug screen. This is one of those shit yourself moments.
Why? Because even though you knew there was more than a decent shot that Rita was going to call about that drug test, your dumbass went out anyway the night before and smoked a cock ton of weed with your buddies before spending the last of your savings on a lap dance.
Who knows, you might have even done some blow — you can’t fucking remember.
Regardless, your piss is now dirtier than the handicap stall of a Buffalo Wild Wings crapper on fight night. It is going to take some smooth-ass finagling and charm to convince that Rita chick that you’re not just some junkie bum. After all, no self-respecting HR manager is ever going to hire someone that they believe is going to hit the crack pipe every morning in the parking lot before reporting for duty.
But what can you do? Do you tell her, “Look, Rita, I’m a fuck up and did a bunch of drugs last night,” or do you give it everything you’ve got, lie your ass off and hope for the best? It should go without saying that you have to go down with the fucking ship!
So, even though there is a 420 percent chance that you’re going to fail that whiz quiz, there might be a steaming pile of BS you can feed Rita once the results are exposed that may lend to your benefit.
Try telling her that you’ve been using a number of these everyday products and that they could, in fact, be responsible for you pissing in the spirit of Artie Lange. Because you are, even at your worst, an upstanding citizen, who hates dope.
Durian Fruit
via Wikimedia Commons
We don’t really know anyone who actually eats this disgusting fruit with an offensive odor, but apparently, it is a good excuse for a failed breathalyzer.
A Chinese man was recently busted for drunk driving. Yet, he argued that he wasn’t at all drunk but that he had consumed durian fruit.
After officers conducted some tests of their own – eating the fruit and then taking a breathalyzer test – they found that durian was actually capable of causing a blood alcohol level over the country’s legal limit.
Similarly, failed results can happen after using an alcohol-based mouthwash. So, just tell old Rita that you wouldn’t dare show up to a drug test hammered and that the failed results must have been the durian fruit you had for breakfast and the mouth wash chaser.
Baked Goods
Another potential excuse for failing a test for alcohol is bread and pastries. The Canadian-based company LifeSafer, which manufactures a breath test, says that if a person gets dough stuck in between their teeth, it can actually show up on a breathalyzer.
So can vanilla extract, which is a common ingredient in a variety of baked desserts. Look, Rita, I might have been sabotaged by that bagel I scarfed down before taking the test.
This company in Canada says that’s totally possible.
Tonic
If you’ve really been out there getting turned up and your drug test comes back positive for cocaine or heroin, blame it on the tonic. It seems that this popular carbonated booze mixer contains traces of a chemical called quinine.
In high doses, this is one of those compounds used to treat malaria. But in a drug testing environment, this shit doesn’t show up on a dope panel as a cure for some mosquito disease — it screams go-go dust and brown sugar. No, Rita, of course, I don’t do cocaine! Are you crazy? That shit will kill you.
You know what – I think it could have been that tonic water I had this morning.
Hemp Seeds
- via Wikimedia Commons
Dedicated marijuana users can have a tough time cleaning up before a drug test. Unlike other feel-good substances that are typically out of a person’s system within a few days, THC can linger in the body for a month or more. But there are many popular products today that have been known to create a false positive for weed.
Hemp seed and all of those trendy hemp-derived CBD gummies and oils all contain trace amounts of THC – right around 0.3 percent.
Although it’s highly unlikely that these products will cause a failed drug test, the experts say it is possible.
This is appalling, Rita, I’ve never smoked marijuana a day in my life. I just use CBD for my anxiety. Have you ever tried it?
Some Medicines
Many over the counter cough medicines can show up on a drug test looking like PCP and methamphetamine. Even ibuprofen has, in some cases, brought about positive screens for marijuana.
Just tell Rita that you’ve been sick over the past week or so and that you’ve been taking lots of DayQuil to stay productive. She’ll eat it up. It might even buy you some time before having to take a follow-up test.
Good luck, Rockstar!
[via NY Post]
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Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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