Gisele Bundchen’s Daily Routine Is All The Evidence I Need To Believe She’s An Alien

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In her new memoir, Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life, Gisele Bundchen pulls back the curtain on her life as the world’s most successful supermodel and wife to one of the greatest football players to ever walk the earth. Yesterday, we pulled a snippet from her memoir where Gisele recalls the time Tom Brady told her his ex-girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan, was pregnant with his first child. Tom and Gisele had been dating for just two months. She also dished on the qualities of her husband she admires most.

Today, let’s talk Gisele’s daily schedule, which sounds like it’s straight out of an episode of Portlandia. The 38-year-old reveals her unique holistic habits and suddenly it becomes more clear why Tom Brady eats avocado ice cream and associates with an alternative practices doctor who claimed to have the cure for cancer.

It’s nearly impossible to believe that this is real life for some people. Her day starts between 5-6 am, to the sound of the ocean from her cell phone. As transcribed by Daily Mail:

‘It’s a soothing way to begin my day. The sound of the water and the breaking waves fills me with a deep sense of peace,’ the native Brazilian gushes. ‘Also, I don’t leap out of bed unless the kids wake me up before the water sounds begin. Instead I like to relax into the process of waking up, as if I’m tiptoeing into warm water.’

Next, she writes, Gisele fetches ‘a bottle of coconut oil from the bathroom, so I can do oil pulling.’

If you’re not familiar with that, the book will educate you.

I am not familiar. Please tell me what it is.

‘It’s the ancient Ayurvedic technique of swishing oil in your mouth to clean out all the guck and to detoxify teeth and gums. It’s supposed to be good for your overall gut health, too. I put one teaspoon of oil in my mouth and swish it around for ten or fifteen minutes. You can use many different kinds of oil – sesame, olive, sunflower – but I use organic coconut oil because I like the flavor.

What about Pennzoil Platinum?

‘I continue oil pulling as I’m getting dressed, and I’m still swishing as I head downstairs to let the dogs out; then I spit.’

‘After letting the dogs back in, I meditate. I light a candle, get into lotus position, and close my eyes. It doesn’t really matter if you cross your legs. What matters is sitting tall with your spine straight so energy can flow. Before having children, I would go on retreats where I would sit in silence for a weekend or longer. Now, as I mentioned, because of my busy life I meditate every morning usually for just five minutes.’

‘After meditating and working out, I drink a glass of lukewarm water, about eight ounces, with half a slice of lemon squeezed into it. It helps flush out the digestive system,’ she writes. ‘As I sip my lemon water, I’m busy making my children’s breakfasts and school lunches.

So, so much of Tom Brady’s weirdness now makes sense…

She also makes the children ‘gluten-free toast with almond butter and honey, or eggs with sliced avocado, or a bowl of cut-up apples and berries with coconut yogurt.’

Her own breakfast can involve finishing her children’s leftovers and/or ‘a glass of green juice with celery, cucumbers, half a red or green apple, turmeric, ginger, lemon juice, and sometimes kale or beets, or I have avocado toast.’

Then she takes the children to school, fits in a workout if she wasn’t able to do it earlier, showers – and is then ‘truly ready to start my day.’

A stark contrast from me rolling out of bed, brushing my teeth for 8 seconds, trying to gel down my cowlick, turning my dirty underwear inside out because I’m out of clean ones, and snorting ground coffee beans to get be able to absorb the day. I say tomato, Gisele says ‘gluten-free toast with almond butter.’ Two birds of a feather.

[h/t Daily Mail]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.