Jadakiss Attempts To Defend His Sociopathic All-Crust Pizza Order But Should Still Get Life Without Parole

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As I write this, El Chapo is settling into America’s only supermax prison in Colorado, dubbed “The Alcatraz of the Rockies.” Inmates are allowed a television, but are only granted a 4-inch window in their cells to the outside world. Somehow, someway, Jadakiss has not forcibly joined him.

This week, it was revealed that the New York rapper prefers an all-crust pizza. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, no cheese, no sauce, no sense.

Brooklyn’s Cuts & Slices recently posted a picture of a custom pizza they made for Jadakiss last year, and the photo went viral for obvious reasons (public safety).

Everyone has a right to a defense, and the 44-year-old rapper has given his.

After a three-minute deliberation, the jury finds Jada…

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Jada, you’ll have the possibility of parole in 2089.

P.S. Tangentially related:

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.