Safe Space: Half-Baked Thoughts And Observations From Your Everyday Millennial, Volume 6

Safe Space

Greetings, World Wide Web Enthusiasts!

This week marks the fourth edition of Safe Space, a collection of half-baked thoughts, astute observations, and societal hypocrisies.

We started this column to give you a breather from headlines like this:

This column knows no agenda or political affiliation and is solely the thoughts of a guy who thinks cargo shorts are high-fashion.


A man can only truly live when he comes to terms with the fact that he will always be intimidated by a group of unruly teenagers at the mall.
-Trevor 3:16

How long after I announce I’m starting a podcast are females contractually obligated to have sex with me?

I don’t consider myself an insecure person until I wear a new hat around my friends for the first time.

If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they just needed to fuck one of your friends.

72 percent of people report they do their best thinking in the shower, but I find it difficult to concentrate when crying uncontrollably.

Recently, doctors successfully separated two young twins who were conjoined at the head using complex surgery and state-of-the-art computer navigation systems. Doctors claim that while the separation was promising, the true value of the technology will be put to the test when attempting to detach the pages of the bra and panties section of my mom’s Macy’s catalog.

Forcing small talk with my neighbor while our dogs sniffed each other’s butts was the longest year of my life.

Those who say the best things in life are free obviously haven’t had sex.

The worst thing about having A.D.D. is


Haiku: A short Japanese poetic style that employs a 5-7-5 syllable pattern.

I kiss her slowly.
She starts to go down on me.
Cheap ass blow up doll.


“I’m proud of you, son.”
My body swells with pure joy.
“See you next Christmas.”


Drunk at Applebees.
Waitress whispers in my ear.
“Your card’s been declined.”


Touch Sensitive — Pizza Guy


In honor of the eight year anniversary since SEAL Team 6 made Osama Bin Laden a thing of the past, let’s rehash a take hotter than Abbottabad in July.

Take it away, Rashard Mendenhall.

Enjoy the weekend, my friends. I’ll see you back here next Friday. Stay safe out there.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.