While America is divided over the merits of vaccines and what pious deity is worthy of hosting Jeopardy, one thing all 328 million of us can unite around is Vanessa Carlton’s debut single A Thousand Miles.
When the first B major piano key hit on the three-time Grammy nominated banger, adolescent boys everywhere stopped playing pogs to welcome a rare moment of vulnerability and update their AIM away messages to “missin u. u no who u r.”
A full 20 after Carlton released her 2001 smash hit, one Reddit user found it prudent to throw the lyrics under a microscope and undermine one of the greatest musical achievements since Louis Armstrong’s What A Wonderful World.
let's go ahead and check in on plot holes reddit pic.twitter.com/4yVSSiLOqc
— Sopan Deb (@SopanDeb) August 25, 2021
So in Vanessa Carlton’s breakthrough 2001 hit, “A Thousand Miles”, she clearly is bargaining with fate regarding her love interest saying, “You know I’d walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight.” But she ignores the obvious fact that it is physically impossible to walk a thousand miles and still see someone that same night.
The only way this would not be considered a plot hole is if, in exchange for seeing [you] tonight, the singer would somehow agree to be indebted to walk a thousand miles over a certain period of time. So the more literal interpretation of the chorus would be something like, “‘Cause you know I’d agree to walk a thousand miles if I could FIRST see you tonight”. But this type of bargain seems ludicrous to any logical thinker, so the assumption must be that at least one thousand miles must be walked before [I] could just see [you] tonight, highlighting the distance required to see the love interest and the singer’s willingness to traverse such a span in order to see them. Which circles back to my first criticism, so I think my plot hole claim still stands.
What a f*cking banger though.
The math has been done.
Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles"
A P&P Stats & Research Breakdown pic.twitter.com/05xV4IYkBv
— Pigeons & Planes (@PigsAndPlans) June 23, 2021
In 2009, Usain Bolt topped out at 27.79 mph in the 100-meter dash, so 143.4 miles for Carlton, whose athletic achievements amount to a few years at School of American Ballet, seems unlikely.
Vanessa surely didn’t take the public for idiots, so what could she possibly have meant?
Reddit user mephistomichael provides a tense nation with plausible explanation to date.
The love interest has a dog named A Thousand Miles that she must take on a walk to tinkle before she can see the owner
Yes, this song is a straight bop
In 2010, A Thousand Miles must’ve jumped Carlton for never giving him the royalties he thought he deserved.
It’s all making sense now.
a walking dog filmed in slo mo, set to a thousand miles by vanessa carlton pic.twitter.com/y9p3WJ473i
— salad “legs for daaaays” wildcat (@classic_lunch) April 2, 2020
If you thought I wasn’t going to embed the song, you’re off your gourd.